


boys grow up unexpectedly

by bespokenboy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Joonmyun being a suhoe, Love Triangles, M/M, Multiple Pairings, Mutual Pining, guys being dudes, very very casual sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 11:33:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6983239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bespokenboy/pseuds/bespokenboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>playing a full contact sport like lacrosse is one kind of pain—being in love with joonmyun is another. (laxbros!au)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

☆      ☆      ☆

Chanyeol’s throat is raw from screaming at his teammates from the sidelines. He wants to be on the field, his sweat and blood dripping onto the turf. But Joonmyun's in the crease this game, and he'll probably be in it again at the next game and the one after that. Field time is hard to come by when Chanyeol’s a freshman that plays the same position as the captain of the lacrosse team.

When their team makes their first goal since halftime, Chanyeol jumps and pumps his fist in victory, like he scored the point himself. The pep band blares the school fight song as the players reposition themselves on the field. He watches Baekhyun, the only freshman on attack, scrap for the ball in the face-off for the next point. Baekhyun’s got an unbelievable amount of stamina and godlike reflexes. He’s on the smaller side for a lacrosse player, but his attitude more than makes up for it.

The face-off is a frenetic scramble for control of the ball that almost results in an all-out brawl between Baekhyun and his opponent. Baekhyun finally manages to flick the ball towards midfielder Kim Minseok, but their opponent reaches over to scoop it up. The ensuing battle is so fast-paced that the white ball is almost invisible as it whooshes from stick to stick.

“Defense! Defense!” Chanyeol shouts, waving at the crowd to encourage them to chant along.

“ _Don’t check him, that’s illegal! That’s illegal!_ ” their coach hollers across the field. He’s been purple in the face from yelling since the first quarter. Pacing up and down the sidelines, he taps Jongdae on the shoulder to signal that he’ll be substituted in next. 

Chanyeol half-hopes to also feel that tap on the shoulder, but when he sees Joonmyun make another miraculous save he remembers why they need Joonmyun as their goalie. Joonmyun’s talent isn’t flashy or obvious the way that attackers like Baekhyun are. He’s the type of player that only other goalies like Chanyeol can fully appreciate.

Joonmyun tries to pass the ball up field, but their opponent intercepts his shot. Their coach curses when the pass doesn’t connect; it’s the second time Joonmyun has missed a pass today. Chanyeol knows that behind Joonmyun’s helmet and face guard, he must be even more frustrated than the coach. He’s almost glad that he can’t see Joonmyun’s expression. It’s probably murderous, like the time Chanyeol almost failed Intro to Business last semester, which would have gotten him dismissed from the team. 

Before then, Chanyeol had never spoken to Joonmyun alone outside of practice. They had done goalie drills together, but it was the first time they had a real conversation. Chanyeol remembers the sound of Joonmyun’s voice more than he remembers what he actually said. The captain never raised his voice, but the cold, clipped preciseness of his words and the quiet anger behind them was scarier than if he had yelled at Chanyeol. 

Joonmyun offered to tutor him after expressing his disappointment in Chanyeol lack of responsibility and general disinterest in studying, but he never took him up on the offer. He never failed another business exam either. 

The opposing team recuperates and amps up for another attack while Joonmyun shouts instructions to his defenders. It's another skill of Joonmyun’s that Chanyeol can't measure up to. From between the goal posts, Joonmyun has the best view of the field and can communicate new tactics to his teammates. He’s always a move ahead, thinking, analyzing the best strategy. But Chanyeol acts on intuition and impulse. He’s been both praised and criticized for his erratic, instinctual technique. He and Baekhyun have both been described as “animalistic.” Chanyeol is a good goalie, but he’s no leader the way that Joonmyun is.

Jongin’s in possession of the ball now, and he hesitates for a second before slinging it at Sehun who passes it to Yixing on the other side of the field. 

“Offense! Offense!” Chanyeol chants along with the spectators. 

Their opponents crowd around Yixing to steal his ball, but he makes a stealthy pass to Baekhyun who weaves through the defense and slams the ball into the corner of the goal. He pumps his fist in victory when the audience roars with cheers. 

Chanyeol glances up at the scoreboard overlooking the stadium. The digital orange 11-11 is now 12-11. They've pulled ahead of the visiting team with less than a minute left in the game, and his teammates are celebrating victory already. 

Jongdae hollers with joy as he returns to the sideline and jumps up to bump chests with Chanyeol. 

“Way to go, man!” Chanyeol praises him, clapping him soundly on the back. 

He can see Jongdae's lips curl up around his mouth guard and his eyes twinkle behind the grill of his helmet. 

“We've got this!” Jongdae says confidently. 

Only Joonmyun doesn't seem affected by the guarantee of victory. His stance is low as he shifts his weight from foot to foot, prepared for anything. Chanyeol can tell that he’s still in a ruthlessly competitive state of mind. But their attackers have gotten complacent—they’re clearly biding time until the end of the match. Baekhyun’s sloppy pass to Yixing doesn't connect, and it gives their opponent another chance to penetrate. 

The sudden change in flow takes the defense by surprise. Jongin and Sehun are unable to keep the attackers away from the crease, and Joonmyun dives for a ball that whizzes just past his elbow. 12-12 now and a quickly disappearing thirty seconds on the clock. 

“ _Don't slack off, you haven't won yet_!” the coach screams. 

Baekhyun scraps for the ball again, and it’s clear that he’s shaken by the stolen point. He has an overwhelming presence on the field, but he’s still a wildcard compared to seasoned players like Joonmyun. The longer Baekhyun spends on his knees struggling for the the ball, the more likely it is that he’ll make a reckless move. He aims it towards an open space in his heedless frenzy for possession, but the opposing midfielders are a second faster in retrieving the ball. 

It's a battle of desperation in the last fifteen seconds of the game. Joonmyun tries to shout at his teammates to tighten their defense, but they’ve been caught off-guard, thrown into a disarray. Their opponents, however, are still making calm, calculated moves with focused aggression. 

Seven seconds left in the game, and dread sinks like a stone in Chanyeol’s stomach. He’s never seen an opponent cling onto a game so relentlessly. The match isn’t over until the clock hits zero, Joonmyun has reminded them so many times before. 

Jongin is knocked into the ground when he tries to steal a pass from an attacker, and Sehun collides into one of their own midfielders. It leaves Joonmyun to defend the goal on his own against all three attackers from the other team. It’s an unsightly display, to see their teammates sprawled on the field, others scrambling towards the crease to help Joonmyun just a second too late. Joonmyun blocks a shot with his body, but it ricochets. An attacker scoops the ball up to take another shot from a different angle before Joonmyun has the chance to reposition himself. 

A loud roar erupts in Chanyeol’s ears as the breath rushes out of his lungs. It's over. His first college lacrosse game, a breathtaking loss.

☆      ☆      ☆

Joonmyun keeps his helmet on to hide his scowl as his team gathers in a huddle. They're quiet as the coach makes his postgame remarks. Heads are low.

“Any thoughts, captain?” he asks when he finishes railing the team thoroughly for their mistakes before praising them for their overall performance. 

Joonmyun takes his helmet off and shakes his damp bangs away from his eyes. His cheeks are flushed and shining with sweat. He peels his mouth guard away from his teeth and says, “You heard the coach. You all know what you need to work on. I'll be in the practice field after the press conference in case anyone wants to stick around for extra drills.”

They chuckle quietly at Joonmyun's joke. His offer is serious, but he knows that they'll all be stuffing themselves at the pizza place across the street as soon as they're dismissed. 

“Good work, boys,” Joonmyun says quietly. 

He follows the coach to the media center while the rest of the team drags their feet back to the locker room. Joonmyun runs his fingers through his hair in an attempt to look presentable for television, but he doesn't bother with the smeared stripes of black paint under his eyes. 

The coach and the captain sit behind a table with a microphone set up for each of them. While the coach chatters away about the match, Joonmyun sulks silently, resting his chin in one hand and then the other. He slouches into his chair in boredom as the press conference drags on and on. 

Near the end of the conference, a reporter finally addresses Joonmyun directly with a question. 

“As the captain of a team with a three year long winning streak, what are your thoughts on losing the first game of the season?”

“I am cautiously optimistic about the future,” Joonmyun says carefully, building a measured response as he speaks. “We've got two starting freshmen on defense and one on attack who all bring a new dimension to the team. They still have a lot to learn, but I know that our team will grow in many unexpected ways throughout the season.”

He says nothing of the mistakes they made as a team or of his shortcomings as a goalie and a captain. The last two blocks that he missed were unforgivable, in Joonmyun's mind. If he had been a better goalie, they would have continued their unrelenting tradition of victory. Their team would be celebrating right now, and their coach would be praising their triumphs instead of bluntly admitting defeat. It was all Joonmyun’s fault.

“Thank you for your time.”

Joonmyun shakes hands with the reporters before he's finally released. He feels a hand on his shoulder after hoisting his bag onto his shoulder. 

“You alright, son?” his coach inquires with worried eyes. 

Joonmyun stretches his mouth into a tight smile. “Yeah,” he says. 

“Don't be too hard on yourself now. Take it easy this weekend, okay?”

“I'll try, coach.”

☆      ☆      ☆

Chanyeol checks the time again, but it hasn't changed much since the last time he looked. It's been almost an hour since the game ended. Most of his teammates have already left for an early dinner, but Chanyeol is waiting outside the locker room for Joonmyun to return from the press conference. Whether or not Joonmyun was serious about the extra drills, Chanyeol wants to prove that he deserves the chance to play at an official match, if only for a few minutes.

He's growing sick of practicing with the rebounder and is about to leave the practice field when he hears noisy clanging from inside the locker room. Someone must have entered from a different door. Chanyeol decides to investigate. 

What he sees first is Joonmyun's shirtless back glistening with sweat, taut muscles flowing in his arms and torso. Joonmyun's bare shoulders rise and fall with every shuddering breath he takes. He's still wearing his shorts and cleats, but his shoulder pads and jersey are in a crumpled pile by his feet. 

Joonmyun's holding an old lacrosse stick in his hands, the plastic head cracked and missing half its net. He’s standing in front of a dingy old locker with a deep indent in its metal door. He suddenly turns around to glare at Chanyeol, but Chanyeol is too shocked to move a muscle. 

“Nobody uses this locker,” Joonmyun mutters quietly, looking down at his feet. Chanyeol flinches at the sound of his voice. 

“I'm sorry,” Chanyeol squeaks, his voice cracking with the realization that he witnessed something he shouldn't have. “I should go.”

“No, stay,” Joonmyun commands. The severity in his voice alone keeps Chanyeol glued to his spot. Noticing the pure terror in the younger boy's eyes, Joonmyun's voice softens. “I'm sorry you had to see this.”

“It's fine,” Chanyeol mumbles. “Are you okay, captain?”

“What? Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Was there anything I could help you with?” Joonmyun asks gently. He's back to his usual mild manners, but Chanyeol is still shaken. Such a violent outburst from his cool-headed captain is almost inconceivable. 

“I was, um, wondering if you could help me with some extra drills,” Chanyeol says, but suddenly he isn’t sure if it’s such a good idea. “Only if you still want to, though.”

“Really?” Joonmyun looks at him quizzically.

“You don’t have to!” Chanyeol says quickly. “I mean, I know you must be tired after the game.”

Joonmyun looks down at the mention of the game, his face troubled. Chanyeol realizes with a jolt that Joonmyun must be agitated by the outcome of the game. He has never seen his captain so volatile like this—violent one moment and sulky the next. It's thrilling, if a little scary, to discover that Joonmyun might not be as calm and collected as he always appears. 

“You were so amazing,” Chanyeol gushes. “You made some saves that changed the game.”

He smiles hopefully at Joonmyun, hoping to raise his spirits. His words seem to have the opposite effect. 

“We still lost,” Joonmyun grumbles. He casts his stick aside, letting it clatter onto the floor. He collapses onto the bench and folds into himself with his head in his arms. “We haven't lost a game in years, until now. I should have been a better leader. I should have saved those last two shots.”

“It's not your fault!” Chanyeol insists. “You did everything you could have done.”

Failure seems to have an unusually heavy weight on Joonmyun's shoulders. He's never spoken with such utter defeat, even in their most difficult moments as a team. There must be something there that's beyond Chanyeol’s scope of understanding. 

“I'm sorry,” Joonmyun whispers, sounding terribly small. “I shouldn't be talking like this. It doesn't help anyone.”

Not knowing what else to say, Chanyeol puts his hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder. “Dude,” he says, “it sounds like you have some serious issues.”

Joonmyun raises his head to look at Chanyeol with confusion and even hurt in his eyes. Chanyeol continues, “I don't know exactly what's going on, but I promise you everything will be okay. It's just a game.”

“Easy for you to say,” Joonmyun mumbles irritably into the crook of his elbow. 

“I think I know what you need,” Chanyeol announces. 

Before Joonmyun can say anything, Chanyeol reaches his arm around him and hugs him tightly. The embrace seems to incite the captain's temper again. Joonmyun tries to flail and thrash out of Chanyeol’s grip, but Chanyeol holds onto Joonmyun until he relaxes. 

“There, there,” Chanyeol murmurs, resting his chin on Joonmyun's trembling shoulder and patting his back. He holds Joonmyun by the shoulders at arm's’ length and asks, “Don't you feel a lot better now?”

“No,” Joonmyun says stubbornly. He frowns, but he doesn't fight back when Chanyeol hugs him again, pressing his cheek against the contour of Joonmyun's neck. 

“How about now?” Chanyeol asks a few moments later. 

“No,” Joonmyun sighs again, but he discreetly buries his nose in Chanyeol’s hair, enjoying the feeling of skin contact. 

Joonmyun is warm in Chanyeol’s arms, and unexpectedly pliant when Chanyeol lifts him onto his lap like he's an oversized rag doll. Their bodies fit together perfectly, chest against chest and neck against neck. Joonmyun's weight is heavy on Chanyeol’s lap, making the metal edge of the locker room bench dig into the back of his thighs. But Joonmyun seems happy like this, so Chanyeol endures the slight discomfort.

Neither of them say anything, communicating instead through their hesitant touches, tracing shoulder blades and collar bones and biceps. Joonmyun’s fingertips rest on top of Chanyeol’s knuckles like he wants the contact, but he’s too afraid to hold onto his hand. 

Chanyeol brings his lips to the shell of Joonmyun's ear, brushing up against the cartilage so close that his whisper makes Joonmyun twitch. 

“Have you ever been with a guy before, captain?” Chanyeol asks, his voice low and husky. 

Joonmyun pushes Chanyeol away and clambers off his lap, staring at him with a horrified look. The corners of Chanyeol’s mouth curl up into a grin.

“Just kidding,” Chanyeol laughs hollowly. “That's gross, isn't it? Forget I asked.”

Chanyeol avoids Joonmyun’s eyes as he picks up his gym bag and shrugs it onto his shoulder, feeling a strange sort of dread gather in his belly. He hears a slight cough as Joonmyun clears his throat.

“Did you still want to do some drills?” Joonmyun asks with a suspiciously normal tone, like the past several minutes never happened.

“What? Oh, sure.”

“Anything you’d like to work on? Handwork, footwork, reaction speed?”

“How about everything?”

“....Greedy.”

☆      ☆      ☆

Chanyeol fumbles for his keys with trembling fingers, his legs barely keeping him up. He has to prop himself against the door with one elbow as he tries to fit his key into the lock.

“You okay, dude?”

He turns around at the sound of his roommate’s voice. Baekhyun’s wearing nothing but a towel wrapped loosely around his waist, water dripping from his hair. Chanyeol’s dripping too, but with sweat.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol grunts. “Just...struggling.”

Baekhyun takes the key from Chanyeol’s hand and deftly unlocks their door. He gestures condescendingly for Chanyeol to enter. “After you, princess.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“What happened to _you_?” Baekhyun asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“Joonmyun,” Chanyeol replies tersely, tugging his shirt off. Heavy with sweat, the shirt lands in his laundry basket with a dull thud.

“Wait, what? Where were you after the game?”

“Practice field.”

“You actually did extra drills with him?”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol collapses onto his bed, too exhausted to care about getting his sheets dirty. 

“With _Joonmyun_?”

“Yeah, what about him?” Chanyeol asks irritably.

“He's fucking brutal, man.”

“Yeah, I _know_.”

“Even the upperclassmen are too afraid to train with him.”

“Afraid of his methods or afraid of _him_?”

“Both,” Baekhyun says with a shudder. He’s sitting at his desk with his towel still on and doesn't seem to be in a rush to change. “Aren't you scared of him too?”

“Yeah, shitless.” 

He's is intimidated by the stoic captain, but there's something else there, too. Chanyeol has always admired Joonmyun, but now he's possessed with a strange urge to earn Joonmyun's trust and admiration in return. 

“What a weird guy,” Baekhyun says, almost to himself.

“Who, Joonmyun?” Chanyeol asks with sudden interest. “In what way?”

“He’s just so...intense. Not just in lacrosse. His personality too. I’m surprised he gets so many girls.”

Chanyeol sits up straight. “He does?”

“Yeah, didn’t you notice? He hooks up with someone at like every lax party.”

“Holy shit, really?”

“Yeah! You’re always too trashed to realize what’s going on,” Baekhyun points out.

“I wonder how he does it, though. Maybe I’ll be able to learn from him if I spend more time with him,” Chanyeol jokes. 

“No way, man. Joonmyun is ten times hotter than you. He’s so fucking alpha male.”

Chanyeol frowns. “Dude, that’s really… You’re not gay, are you?”

“No!” Baekhyun says defensively. He adds, “You don’t have to be gay to be attracted to him, man. He’s pretty fucking hot.”

“Okay, Baekhyun, I didn't know you felt that way about Joonmyun,” Chanyeol teases. “If there's anything you want to tell me, just say it.”

Baekhyun opens his mouth as if he's about to say something. He seems to think better of it, tossing his towel onto his bed and digging through his underwear drawer for fresh boxers. 

Chanyeol stares as Baekhyun silently gets dressed, his face drawn like he's deep in thought. After being teammates and roommates for over a semester, Chanyeol notices right away when Baekhyun acts unusually. It's strange for Baekhyun to be so taciturn all of a sudden when he normally can't shut up. 

“What,” Baekhyun says when he pokes his head through the collar of his t-shirt. He shakes loose his damp strands of hair. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“ _Is_ there something you want to tell me?”

“About what?” Baekhyun asks tightly. 

Chanyeol prompts him, “About Joonmyun? You always get kinda weird when we talk about him.”

“I, uh…” A troubled frown appears, creasing wrinkles into Baekhyun’s smooth skin. “I don't know how to bring this up, but I hooked up with Joonmyun once.”

“What?” Chanyeol sputters. The questions follow rapid-fire before Baekhyun has a chance to answer. “When? Where? How? _What_?”

Baekhyun just shrugs, flopping onto his bed and smushing his cheek into his pillow. 

“Okay, first of all,” Chanyeol begins, trying to gather his thoughts. “When did this happen, and why the _fuck_ didn’t you tell me?”

“You never asked.”

“Baekhyun, I’m not going to check up on you every now and then to see if you’ve hooked up with our lacrosse captain. You still haven’t answered my other question. When did this happen?”

“I don’t know, awhile ago at a party I guess?” Baekhyun bursts out, distressed by Chanyeol’s accusatory tone. “And I didn’t tell you because I knew you were gonna get weird about it.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to make you upset.” Chanyeol’s voice is gentle now as he realizes that it’s a difficult topic. “You tell me about every time you get laid though—like, everything. Even the stuff I don’t wanna know. Why would this be any different?” 

“Hmm, where should I start?” Baekhyun says sarcastically. “The gay thing? Or the teammate thing?”

“Wait, so...are you gay? I mean, no pressure! You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” 

“I don’t really know how to explain it. I kissed a dude once, and it was awesome. I thought that maybe it was a one time thing, except I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him again.”

“Wait, who was the other dude you kissed? Actually, never mind. I’ve learned so much about you today, we can save this for another time.”

Baekhyun grins sideways at Chanyeol and flings his damp towel across the room at him. It lands heavily on Chanyeol’s face.

“Asshole,” Chanyeol laughs, dropping the towel onto the floor. With any luck, it might make it to the washing machine before it’s used again. “Anyways, how’d you end up with Joonmyun?”

“Why do you wanna know? Are you trying to hook up or something?” Baekhyun jokes, and Chanyeol lets out a forced laugh. 

“No, of course not! I’m just curious. I’m still kinda mind blown by the idea that you did that kind of stuff with Joonmyun. He doesn’t seem like the type.”

“And I do?”

“That’s not what I mean! At this point, I don’t think I really know anything about you. But Joonmyun though. I really didn’t see that coming. How did you know that he’s gay?”

“I didn’t. He seemed really into it though. But when I asked him a few days later, he said that he’s not into dudes, so I really don’t know what his deal is.”

“Hold up. You didn’t even know he was gay?”

“I didn’t know he was gay, and I don’t think he even knew he was gay. Even now, I don’t know, but I think he might just be in denial.”

“But….how?” 

Baekhyun shrugs and says, “Guess I’ve just got too much game.”

“Shut up,” Chanyeol laughs. “But, uh, if you don't mind me asking, were you a giver or a receiver? If you know what I mean….”

Tilting his head in confusion, Baekhyun asks, “What do you mean?”

“I don't know the if it's the right term for it but, um….were you top or bottom?”

“If I remember correctly, I think I was on top?”

Before he can help it, Chanyeol suddenly imagines Joonmyun naked and writhing underneath him. It feels so wrong to be thinking about his captain that way, but the image is so irresistibly hot, it burns itself into Chanyeol’s mind. Blood rushes to his cheeks when he imagines the noises Joonmyun would make. 

“You alright man? Did the thought of me just give you a boner?” Baekhyun teases. 

“Are you kidding? Joonmyun is like ten times hotter than you,” Chanyeol retorts. 

“Well, joke’s on you because he's also ten times hotter than you, which makes us the same amount of hot.”

“So does that mean you're attracted to me or something?”

He looks over at Baekhyun, expecting to see a look of mirth or at least disgust. But Baekhyun is watching him with a strange look in his eyes. Baekhyun swings his legs over his bed and lands on the floor. 

“Stay right there,” he murmurs, holding a hand out when Chanyeol sits up, startled. With a hand pushing against Chanyeol’s chest, Baekhyun reacquaints the back of Chanyeol’s head with his pillow. 

“Dude?” Chanyeol squeaks. 

“Sorry,” Baekhyun whispers. “I just have to check something.”

Chanyeol’s voice is muffled when he feels Baekhyun’s lips against his own, a light suction and a smacking noise when he shoves Baekhyun away. 

“What the _fuck_?” Chanyeol sputters. “Was that a kiss or did you just try to suck the soul out of my body?”

“I just wanted to test out a theory,” Baekhyun mumbles. 

“What theory?”

“I'm still trying to figure out if the reason I can't stop thinking about kissing Yixing again is because I'm actually into dudes, or if I'm just really into Yixing.”

“Wait, it was _Yixing_? What the fuck man, just how many of our teammates have you kissed?”

“Um, just you, Joonmyun, Yixing, and Sehun on the nose once, but it totally wasn’t gay.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol says with an exasperated sigh. “And have you figured out whether you’re more into guys or girls?”

“I’m definitely into girls. I dated a bunch of them in high school. They’re so cute and soft and pretty.” 

“And what about guys?”

“I’m not really into guys, but I really, _really_ like Yixing, and I want to give him things like blow jobs and self-esteem.” 

“Alright. Cool.”

Suddenly, Baekhyun looks distraught again. “I’m sorry, this is really messed up, isn’t it? _Fuck_. Fuck, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t be having these kinds of feelings, and I know that I’m just asking for trouble. I shouldn’t be messing around with my teammates like this. I’m so sorry.”

He begins to curl into himself, hugging his knees into his chest and looking so sad-eyed and uncertain. 

“Hey, no, man, it’s fine. It’s really fine. Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Chanyeol says gently. “I know it’s really scary and confusing to figure stuff out about yourself, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“I fucked up,” Baekhyun mumbles, staring blankly at the wall. “I should just quit the team.”

“Wait, no, what? What the fuck are you saying? Our offense needs you.”  
“But I’m so fucking terrible for having feelings for my teammate.”

“No, it’s really okay. You’re okay,” Chanyeol assures him. In truth, he isn’t sure at this point what is right and what is wrong, so his words of assurance are also partly for himself as well. “I have a feeling that everything’s going to turn out okay.”

“You mean that?” Baekhyun asks quietly, turning to Chanyeol with hopeful, watery eyes. 

“You just do you, man. Don’t get too down on yourself about this, okay? It’s fine to have feelings as long as you’re not hurting anyone.”

Baekhyun seems to cheer up considerably. “Same goes to you, dude. Thanks for letting me talk about my feelings and shit. If you ever need someone to talk to about girl stuff, I’m your guy.”

“Thanks.”

“Or guy stuff,” Baekhyun adds as an afterthought. For some reason, Joonmyun comes to Chanyeol’s mind again.

“Just wondering, what’s gonna happen to you and Joonmyun?” Chanyeol asks as nonchalantly as he can. “Are you guys cool?”

“Oh yeah, no, definitely. As much fun as it was, I think he figured out pretty quick that I was thinking about someone else while we were hooking up. But he didn’t take it personally, I don’t think. Hell, he was probably thinking about someone else the whole time too.”

“What the fuck, man? You’re terrible.”

A slow, lazy grin crosses Baekhyun’s cheeks as he remembers, “You wouldn’t think it just by looking at him, but Joonmyun has a lot of pent up frustration so he’s always horny as fuck.” 

“Oh yeah?” Chanyeol says weakly. He’s suddenly reminded of Joonmyun, sweaty and shirtless, taking his anger out on a banged up old locker. 

“Joonmyun says that he isn’t gay, but he’s probably a lot more into dick than he likes to admit.”

“So do you think I’d have a chance with him?” Chanyeol asks, waggling his eyebrows suggestively with the hope that Baekhyun will assume he’s kidding. 

Baekhyun gives Chanyeol an appraising glance-over, and decides, “If that’s what you’re into, you should just go for it. It could be fun. Be safe though.”

“What? No, I wasn’t serious. I’m not actually gay.”

“Neither am I,” Baekhyun says, nodding sagely. 

“You know what, I think I’m going to take a shower now.”

He’s halfway out the door when Baekhyun calls after him, “Hey Chanyeol!”

“What.”

Baekhyun’s grinning hugely when he says, “I just realized, I couldn’t have asked for a better roommate.”

“I could have,” Chanyeol replies, closing the door.

☆      ☆      ☆

Chanyeol returns to his room, shower caddy in one hand and dirty clothes slung over his shoulder. He whistles as he unlocks the door, finding it empty. A text alert on his screen tells Chanyeol that Baekhyun went to dinner without him. Yeah, he really could have found a better roommate.

 _come to the cafeteria_ another text from Baekhyun reads. 

_Not hungry_ Chanyeol texts back out of spite. 

_no really come!!!_

_Why are you so needy_

_joonmyun is here_

Chanyeol’s heart trips a little when he reads Joonmyun's name. Not a good sign. Baekhyun sends another text before he has a chance to reply.

_come_

_Maybe if I'm hungry_

_hurry up before he leaves_

“Fuck,” Chanyeol hisses. He curses Baekhyun for picking up on his weaknesses so quickly. Since he’s a goalie and Baekhyun is an attacker, they’ve spent many hours facing off against each other—pushing each other’s limits and finding each other’s vulnerabilities. 

The best thing about being friends with Baekhyun is being able to find him quickly in crowded places. He follows the sound of Baekhyun’s booming voice and finds him sitting across the table from Joonmyun in the corner of the cafeteria. There are several bowls and dishes stacked before Baekhyun, while Joonmyun is sitting with his laptop in front of him and a pile of chicken bones next to it. 

“Yo!” Baekhyun calls out happily when Chanyeol approaches. 

“Hello,” Joonmyun greets him, nodding politely.

“Hey guys,” Chanyeol says a little breathlessly. He drops his backpack onto the chair next to Baekhyun’s and adds, “I’m gonna get some food, be right back.”

When he returns with two plates of food, a bowl of soup, a tall glass of water, and cutlery balanced in his arms, only Joonmyun is sitting at the table.

“Baekhyun said he had to go to class,” Joonmyun tells him, watching Chanyeol quizzically as he takes the seat across from him.

Chanyeol knows is a blatant lie because there’s no way that Baekhyun would sign up for a Saturday evening class. Joonmyun probably suspects this too. 

“Do you eat here often?” Chanyeol asks, grappling for a topic of conversation. It’s the first time they’ve been together alone outside of lacrosse—Chanyeol hardly sees Joonmyun when they’re not at practice.

“Not really since I’m not on a meal plan. But I heard that there were wings tonight,” Joonmyun says, glancing up from his laptop.

“Oh, cool. You’re a senior, right?” Chanyeol asks, as if he didn’t already know.

A wry smile twists Joonmyun’s lips. “Yeah. And you’re a freshman aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol pokes at his salad, pushing cucumber slices back and forth across the plate. He can feel the awkwardness settle tangibly between them. 

“Are you still freaked out about earlier?” Joonmyun asks quietly. He’s looking down at his keyboard, but he glances up to meet Chanyeol’s eyes when the younger boy doesn’t answer.

Chanyeol realizes that he’s been staring slack-jawed at Joonmyun, whose eyes are shadowy under the harsh cafeteria lighting. When Joonmyun looks back at him, Chanyeol closes his mouth and then answers, “No, of course not! That’s totally normal.”

He’s thinking about Joonmyun and Baekhyun hooking up, but he suddenly he realizes that Joonmyun was alluding to something else.

“Normal, sure,” Joonmyun snorts derisively. “I'm sure that normal people destroy lockers when they're frustrated.”

“Yeah, well I'm pretty sure that's considered normal compared to some of the things I've done,” Chanyeol counters. 

Joonmyun lifts an eyebrow in amusement. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, my first kiss was with my pet turtle,” Chanyeol brags. 

“Nice try. My first kiss was with a lizard,” Joonmyun counters. 

“My favorite part of pizza is the sauce.”

“When I eat pizza, I only eat the cheese.”

“I was casted as a cavity in a school play about teeth.”

“I played a doorknob once.”

“Wow, that really sucks, man.”

The corner of Joonmyun's mouth lifts into a half-smile. 

Chanyeol continues, “My favorite starter Pokemon was always Bulbasaur.”

“That's not even weird. Bulbasaur is obviously the best,” Joonmyun says. He's grinning now, and Chanyeol feels strangely proud of himself. 

“Okay, you wanna know weird? I wash my comforter every week,” Chanyeol boasts. 

“You got me. That’s the most abnormal thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Obviously I’m a freak.”

“Obviously,” Joonmyun agrees. “Are you going to the lax party tonight?”

“Maybe. Are they as lit as rugby parties?”

Joonmyun considers for a moment and then decides, “Comparable. Rugby parties are wild though. I lost my virginity at rugby.”

“Damn,” Chanyeol says, impressed. “All I lost at rugby was my keys and my dignity.”

It isn’t even a good joke, but Joonmyun snickers uncontrollably at this. It starts as a quiet chuckle, but then he can’t stop laughing. Joonmyun’s whole face changes, and he looks so much younger and happier when he hides his giggles behind his hand. Chanyeol has only seen Joonmyun’s serious side, so he falls into silent awe when Joonmyun’s stern eyes turn soft, crinkling until they almost disappear.

“Holy shit, are you crying?” Chanyeol asks in alarm when Joonmyun’s face goes red and tears start squeezing out from the corners of his eyes.

“You’re so funny,” Joonmyun wheezes in a thin high voice, almost falling over in his seat.

“I’ve been told. But I didn’t think I was _that_ funny. Do you want some water or something?”

Chanyeol offers his glass of water to Joonmyun, who’s still shaking with laughter as he brings it to his lips. A few drops of water dribble down Joonmyun’s chin, and Chanyeol finds it strangely more endearing than he should. He’s tempted to reach across the table and dab at Joonmyun’s chin with his thumb. 

_Fuck it, this won’t make me gay_ , Chanyeol decides. 

He leans across the table, staring intently at Joonmyun’s pink little mouth which forms an “o” in surprise when Chanyeol brushes away the stray droplets of water with his thumb. He can’t help but notice how tiny and delicate Joonmyun’s features are for a guy, and he accidentally lets his hand cradle Joonmyun’s chin, lingering at his skin for a little too long.

As baby-faced as Joonmyun looks, the microscopic stubble scratching Chanyeol’s fingertips remind him that his captain is most undoubtedly a man. His stomach lurches a little bit when he meets Joonmyun’s eyes. They’re wide, confused for a fleeting moment, and then his dark, glittering eyes go back to being unreadable. 

“So are _you_ going to the lax party tonight?” Chanyeol asks, trying to salvage the conversation. 

“Maybe.”

“Cool.”

Chatting with other people comes easily to Chanyeol, but for some reason his thoughts are thrown into a disarray when he tries to converse with Joonmyun. It’s taking all of his concentration just to come up with something halfway intelligent to say.

“I feel bad for telling you this since you’re, like, fifteen years old….” Joonmyun begins.

“Eighteen,” Chanyeol corrects him. 

The corner of Joonmyun’s mouth lifts in a smirk. “You’re a big boy, huh?” 

“I’ve touched at least three pairs of tits in my life that weren’t my mom’s,” Chanyeol brags.

“Awesome. Wow,” Joonmyun says dryly. “As I was saying—”

“At least four if you include my mom,” Chanyeol interrupts.

Joonmyun wrinkles his nose in disgust, but Chanyeol can see him trying to hide a grin. “That’s really messed up, Chanyeol.”

“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, smiling sheepishly. “Anyways, you were saying?” 

“It’s been months since I last felt a pair of tits, and if you excuse my language, I really fucking need to get laid,” Joonmyun says entirely too casually. 

Chanyeol is totally aware that sex is a totally normal thing for teammates to talk about, but his body reacts in a totally not normal way. For the second time today, Chanyeol’s insides twist as imagines Joonmyun naked and flushed, his muscles clenched and his hair clinging to his skin with sweat. He makes the mistake of glancing at Joonmyun’s lips and feels a sudden burning desire to taste them. 

“I could help you,” Chanyeol says before he can stop himself.

Joonmyun frowns for a moment. _Please don’t take that the wrong way_ , Chanyeol pleads internally, wishing he could take back his own words. 

“Fine,” Joonmyun agrees, and Chanyeol’s stomach does a backflip. “I never thought I’d ask a freshman to be my wingman, but you’re pretty hot, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my touch.”

“Oh,” Chanyeol says, feeling strangely disappointed for some reason. “That’s what you meant. Yeah, I can do that.”

“Did you mean something else?” 

“What? Oh, no, of course not!” 

“You’re a little weird,” Joonmyun laughs, reaching across the table to clap Chanyeol on the shoulder. “But I like that.”


	2. Chapter 2

☆      ☆      ☆

Surrounded by his friends and teammates, Joonmyun feels strangely detached as he sits slouched on a dilapidated sofa holding a half-crushed red plastic cup in his hand. The people around him are probably mistaking the vague look in his eyes and his distant behavior for signs that he’s crossfaded, but Joonmyun isn’t drunk or high. Just tired.

Music is blaring from fried speakers, and thick pungent smoke creates a dizzying haze in the house that makes Joonmyun feel like he’s in a dream. He sees Chanyeol surrounded by girls in the crowd, the center of attention as always. They’re dancing under garish green and red lights, their bodies bumping and grinding with hands slipping up shirts and skirts. 

Joonmyun lets his eyelids droop for a second. So _fucking_ tired. When he opens his eyes again, Chanyeol is sitting next to him. 

“See anyone you’re interested in yet?” Chanyeol asks, draping his arm around Joonmyun’s shoulders. There’s a rough scrape to his voice, making the deep sound even more irresistible than usual.

“Nah.”

Joonmyun thought he’d be able to find someone to mindlessly hook up with to get his mind away from inappropriate thoughts about his teammate. His younger teammate who trusts him and even admires him despite his glaring faults—who would lose all respect for him if he found out that Joonmyun fantasizes about being more than just teammates or even friends. 

It doesn’t help that Chanyeol is a dopey, affectionate drunk. He smiles at Joonmyun, loose and languid. Joonmyun can smell the thick, cloying scent of alcohol on his breath when Chanyeol leans his cheek against his head.

“Why don’t I just keep you company tonight?” Chanyeol slurs, taking the cup from Joonmyun’s hand and downing the fiery contents in one gulp. 

“Sorry kiddo,” another voice beside Joonmyun says. “Your captain isn’t interested in losers.”

Joonmyun turns to see another person has appeared next to him on the sofa. It’s Ji Soo, the captain of the rival team. Joonmyun doesn’t remember telling anyone to invite them to the party, but he wouldn’t put it past them to show up without an invitation. 

“You only fuck with champions, right?” Ji Soo says, sidling up to Joonmyun. His long, sturdy limbs and low voice remind Joonmyun of someone else that’s been on his mind. 

“Who are you?” Chanyeol demands, standing up a little too quickly. He teeters a little, trying to find a steady stance. “Get your hands off my captain.”

Chanyeol bends over to swat Ji Soo’s hand away from where it’s resting on Joonmyun’s thigh, but he stumbles and only keeps himself upright by landing his hand against Joonmyun’s face. 

“Dude, calm down,” Ji Soo says in an even, commanding voice that reminds Chanyeol of Joonmyun. “It's fine, we're all friends here.”

“Fuck off man, you don't even go here,” Chanyeol blurts out. “Who invited you here anyways?”

“Like I said,” Ji Soo says with a frown. “We're friends.”

“It's okay, Chanyeol, Ji Soo and I went to lacrosse camp together in high school,” Joonmyun assures him. He adds to Ji Soo, “I apologize for my teammate’s behavior. How about we catch up with each other upstairs?”

As he watches Ji Soo lead Joonmyun out of the living room with a possessive hand on his waist, Chanyeol feels a burning all over his body that has nothing to do with alcohol.

☆      ☆      ☆

Ji Soo reclines on the bed, watching Joonmyun with a lazy grin while he fumbles with the buttons of his shirt. “Need any help?”

“No,” Joonmyun refuses. He finally unfastens the last couple and slips his shirt off, along with his shorts and socks. 

Ji Soo grabs him by the waist, pulling Joonmyun onto his body. He pushes Joonmyun's hair out of his eyes, seemingly unbothered by the weight of Joonmyun's body on top of his own. 

“Do I weigh anything to you?” Joonmyun grumbles, his mouth so close to Ji Soo’s that their lips almost brush. 

“Nope,” Ji Soo answers smugly before grabbing Joonmyun's chin and kissing his mouth. 

A tiny moan escapes from the back of Joonmyun's throat when Ji Soo tangles his fingers into Joonmyun's hair and gently tugs on it. 

“I haven't heard from you in awhile. Are you still into dick?” Ji Soo murmurs against Joonmyun's cheek. 

“I'm not, and I never was.”

“Oh, so you were just into _me_.”

“Don't flatter yourself.”

Ji Soo and Joonmyun had attended the same lacrosse camp throughout high school, an all-male six week sleep away camp. Even though Ji Soo is a year younger, he and Joonmyun hit it off right away when they realized that they shared similar interests and leadership styles. They also shared similar sexual frustrations which led to Ji Soo crawling into Joonmyun's bunk after everyone else fell asleep to seek sloppy kisses and friction. 

They've never done anything more, and Ji Soo has never asked to be anything more than quick and easy relief. 

“The party's loud downstairs, don't worry about hiding your voice,” Ji Soo whispers to him as he starts stroking Joonmyun's cock. Joonmyun bites his lip and digs his fingernails into Ji Soo's bare shoulder, arching his back into his touch. His eyes are squeezed shut. Ji Soo continues, “You're thinking about that tall guy, aren't you?”

“Yeah. Yong-bi,” Joonmyun grunts. Ji Soo chuckles at the mention of one of their imaginary friends they would blame all their mishaps on at summer camp. _No, Joonmyun and Ji Soo didn’t make a mess in the kitchen last night. That was Yong-bi and Sangwoo_. 

“You know, we’ve known each other for a really long time, Joonmyun—”

“Shut up and fuck me already,” Joonmyun whines to Ji Soo’s delight.

“Somebody’s impatient. It’s the last time we’ll probably see each other for awhile, so why don’t we take our time?”

Joonmyun grabs Ji Soo’s hand and starts sucking on two of his fingers, pushing the digits all the way in until he almost gags. He slurps hungrily at Ji Soo’s fingers, making obscene wet noises. Ji Soo closes his eyes when he sees the outline of his fingers bulging against Joonmyun’s cheek.

“Okay. Fuck,” Ji Soo breathes. “When’s the last time someone touched your dick?”

“Two months ago,” Joonmyun pants, climbing onto Ji Soo’s lap and guiding his hand dripping with Joonmyun’s saliva around his back. “At a New Year’s rave. I don’t remember who it was.”

“Oh, me too. Maybe we went to the same one.” He holds Joonmyun steady with a palm on the small of his back while his other hand slips into the seam of Joonmyun’s buttocks. 

“Doubt it. I’m pretty sure I was with a girl.”

“Does that mean this hasn’t been used in a while?” Ji Soo asks, nudging Joonmyun’s entrance open with his fingers.

“Well, I’m not sure exactly what they put inside me, but it wasn’t a dick— _ah_!”

“Sounds wild. I wish you remembered more.”

“Me too,” Joonmyun laughs breathlessly, feeling his body flash hot at Ji Soo’s touch.

They’ve never done it in this position, facing each other with Joonmyun in Ji Soo’s lap. Joonmyun drives the pace with the movement of his own hips, rocking his body against Ji Soo’s and feeling the rub of Ji Soo’s stomach against the underside of Joonmyun’s cock. They don’t kiss—they haven’t, in years—and they don’t talk. They’ve done this enough times that Ji Soo can tell what feels good for Joonmyun just by the way that his face contorts. He watches Joonmyun’s face just for these signs without wondering or caring what might be on Joonmyun’s mind.

“Fuck,” Joonmyun hisses, reaching down to touch himself on instinct when he’s close. 

Ji Soo’s hand beats him to it, and he jerks him off until Joonmyun’s spurting thick semen onto their chests and dragging his fingernails down Ji Soo’s back. Joonmyun’s body goes limp, and Ji Soo pushes him over, grabbing Joonmyun’s ankles and bending him in half to fuck him to his own release. 

“I’m going to miss this,” Ji Soo pants, collapsing next to Joonmyun.

“I’m not. We should have used actual lube,” Joonmyun groans.

“Well, _someone_ was too impatient.”

Joonmyun grumbles something profane under his breath and tries to turn away from Ji Soo.

“Are you going to miss this?” Ji Soo asks the back of Joonmyun’s head, almost too quietly for him to hear over the music blasting downstairs.

“No. I’m never playing winner fucks the loser again, with anyone.”

Ji Soo laughs softly and crooks his finger to brush his knuckle against the peach fuzz on the back of Joonmyun’s neck. 

“You’re such a sore loser, Joonmyun.”

“I’m getting too old for games,” Joonmyun sighs, turning back around to look Ji Soo in the eyes. 

“I know,” Ji Soo agrees. His usual confidence falters when he asks hesitantly, “I know we’ve played some fucked up games over the years, but is it too late for us to be regular friends?”

“Of course not,” Joonmyun says gently. He closes his eyes and kisses Ji Soo on the cheek. 

Their moment of intimacy is interrupted when they hear a dull banging noise from outside the room. 

“Did you lock the door?” Joonmyun asks sleepily.

“Can’t remember.”

The door rattles in its frame, and then it’s flung open. Joonmyun hides under the covers in embarrassment without seeing who it is. 

“Guess not,” Ji Soo shrugs. He slips out of bed to apprehend the intruder, not caring that he’s completely naked. “Hey aren’t you—”

“Where’s Joonmyun?” Chanyeol roars drunkenly, his cheeks bright pink and his hair matted and sticky looking.

Joonmyun peeks from under the covers and then sits up at the sight of his teammate, disheveled and unsteady on his feet. “Chanyeol, what the fuck?”

“Hey, why don’t you head back downstairs to the party before you hurt yourself,” Ji Soo suggests calmly.

“I’ll fight you fucking bitch,” Chanyeol blusters, holding up his fists in cartoonish fighting stance. 

His eyes are hardly focused, and he misses completely when he takes a clumsy swing at Ji Soo’s face. Chanyeol lays another attempted blow that Ji Soo easily side steps, only growing angrier at his miss. 

“Chanyeol!” Joonmyun scolds. He's out of bed now, hastily pulling on a pair of boxers that belong to someone else. 

Chanyeol smiles dumbly at Joonmyun, vaguely recognizing him through his alcohol induced haze. 

“I'm sorry, but this is for your own good,” Joonmyun says before he draws his fist back to punch Chanyeol squarely in the face. Chanyeol's eyes go wide in shock as he stumbles backwards, and then sits down. He dozes off soon afterwards. 

“Shit man, did you knock him out?” Ji Soo asks incredulously. 

“No, I punched him and I think he just fell asleep.”

“What’s his problem?”

“I don’t know,” Joonmyun sighs. “But I should help him get home safely.”

“Need my help?”

“No, but thanks for the offer. I’ll text his roommate. You’re leaving soon, right?”

“Yeah, our bus leaves for campus in a few hours.”

“Then I guess this is goodbye,” Joonmyun says, smiling sadly at Ji Soo. His fingers tighten around the bunched up shirt he’s holding in his fist.

“Don’t say it like that. Come here.” Ji Soo holds Joonmyun close, hugging him for a few long minutes without either of them saying a word. Finally, Ji Soo says, “You know, I’ve been keeping score of how many times I’ve beat you and lost to you. And with today’s game, we’re finally even.”

“Is that right?” Joonmyun mumbles with his cheek squished against Ji Soo’s bare chest.

“That doesn’t include the ties where we end up wrestling each other to top,” Ji Soo reminisces. 

“Whose idea was that?” Joonmyun asks with mock disgust.

“Don’t play dumb,” Ji Soo laughs. “I would never have thought this when we played our first lacrosse scrimmage, but damn you’re a freak. And I’m going to miss your freaky ass.”

“Me or my ass?”

“Both.”

“I’m going to miss you too, Ji Soo.”

Joonmyun isn’t certain when fate will bring Ji Soo back to him again, but for some reason he doesn’t feel sad about saying goodbye. It feels more to him like an until next time.

☆      ☆      ☆

It’s bright when Chanyeol wakes up, the sunlight seeping through his blinds a harsh, dizzying white. His memory of the night before is quickly dissolving just as quickly as his headache sets in. 

“Fuck,” Chanyeol groans, but externalizing his pain does nothing to relieve it. 

“Oh, you’re awake,” Baekhyun says, typing away at what appears to be Chanyeol’s phone.

“Ungh,” Chanyeol grunts in reply. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and says, “Wait, what the fuck, is that my phone?”

“Yeah, Joonmyun’s called you like five times in the past half hour, so I finally talked to him for you.”

Still disoriented, the first thing Chanyeol asks is, “You know my passcode?”

“Yeah, dummy, it’s your and Joonmyun’s jersey numbers. You told me when you were really drunk once.”

“Fuck, I don’t remember that at all.”

“Then, I’m guessing you don’t remember what happened last night, either.”

“Did something happen?”

“I mean, judging from your appearance and how plastered you were when I brought you home last night, I’m guessing, yeah.”

“My appearance?” Chanyeol asks vacantly.

“Dude, just look in the mirror.”

Chanyeol groans as he tries to roll out of bed, making the pain along his temples flare up. His sense of equilibrium is in shambles as he staggers towards his dresser to look at the mirror hanging on its door.

“ _Shit_ ,” Chanyeol yelps as soon as he sees the puffy, purpling bruise around his eye. “What the fuck happened?”

“You tell me,” Baekhyun says, looking at Chanyeol with worry. “Do you remember anything?”

Chanyeol closes his eyes, racking his brain for the vaguest memory. “Damn,” he hisses. “I was looking for Joonmyun. And I remember that guy, the captain of the other team, and I guess… I guess I just lost it.”

“Oh no,” Baekhyun says hollowly. “That is not good. Fuck.”

“What do I do?” Chanyeol whispers. “Am I going to get kicked off the team?”

“I don’t know, but Joonmyun was the one who called me last night to help get you back home.”

“Fuck, do you think he knows what happened?”

“I mean, I guess, dude. I’ve been texting him, and he wants to come over to talk to you.”

“You’ve been texting Joonmyun on my phone?”

“You were asleep, man. He called like ten times and you didn’t pick up.”

“God fucking damn it. This looks bad.”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun agrees apologetically.

“When is he coming?”

“Like, soon? Oh wait.” Baekhyun glances down at the screen of Chanyeol’s phone. “He says he’s outside the door.”

“Shit,” Chanyeol whispers, hoping that Joonmyun can’t hear. A soft knock on the door makes his heart leap in its cage.

“Good luck, man,” Baekhyun says with a sympathetic smile. He opens the door and finds Joonmyun standing outside, looking entirely too polished for a Sunday morning after getting shitfaced the night before. Then again, Joonmyun is always composed, even when he’s drunk.

“Good morning, Baekhyun,” Joonmyun greets him politely. “I told Chanyeol that I wanted to talk to him.”

“Oh yeah, come in,” Baekhyun says. He makes no move to leave, lingering awkwardly by the door out of worry for his friend.

Joonmyun clears his throat softly and says, “If it’s possible, I’d like to speak to Chanyeol alone.”

“Sure, yeah, of course,” says Baekhyun quickly, casting one last glance at the pleading look in Chanyeol’s eyes before leaving the room.

“Please give Baekhyun my apologies,” Joonmyun tells Chanyeol, addressing him for the first time. Chanyeol nods wordlessly, his tongue feeling too heavy in his mouth to speak.

After a moment of dead silence as both of them mull over their own thoughts, Chanyeol asks, “Before we talk about what happened last night, can I say something first?”

Joonmyun is taken by surprise. “By all means.”

In Chanyeol’s mind, he has nothing left to lose. If Joonmyun is here to tell Chanyeol that he’s been kicked off the team, he might as well come forth with his true feelings about Joonmyun so he can leave the team without any regrets.

“Captain…“ Chanyeol begins hesitantly, not knowing how to preface his impromptu confession. “I’m really sorry about anything I might have done last night. To be honest, I’m not sure exactly what I did, but it must have been really strange and confusing for you. While I still have the chance to say it, I want you to know that whatever I did, I did because… I like you.”

“Chanyeol, what are you saying?” Joonmyun asks in a low, raspy voice. His head is bowed low as he frowns at his feet.

“I’m saying that I like you. The way that guys like girls. I’m not gay,” Chanyeol adds idiotically. “But I just _really_ like you, captain.”

“Chanyeol…why are you telling me this?” Joonmyun asks, and Chanyeol’s heart falls to the floor.

Chanyeol’s voice is dangerously shaky when he says, “Because even if we can’t be teammates anymore, I still want a part of you. Because I’m selfish and stupid, I guess.”

Joonmyun just shakes his head, with something resembling speechless horror in his eyes. He’s at a complete loss for words. Joonmyun has read numerous books on how to be a good captain. They taught him how to reinforce positive thinking, how to utilize his teammates’ abilities, and how to be a good role model. But not one of his books told him how to deal with a crisis like this. 

“I want you so bad. Please,” Chanyeol implores desperately. “Is there any way we can be together?”

 _We shouldn’t. We’re teammates. I’m your captain._ A million thoughts race through Joonmyun’s mind, but the only word that escapes is, “No.”

At this point, he’s forgotten his reason for paying Chanyeol a visit, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Joonmyun turns on his heel and escapes from Chanyeol’s room, slamming the door behind him so that he doesn’t see Chanyeol’s shoulders crumple. 

Chanyeol glances at the screen of his phone. A text from Baekhyun reads, _call me when you’ve finished talking to him_. As soon as Baekhyun picks up, Chanyeol sobs, “I fucked up.”

“Wait, dude, what’s the deal?”

“I fucked up so bad, this was such a terrible idea.”

“Chanyeol, are you okay? What’s happening? Did he kick you off the team?”

“I don’t know, he didn’t say anything, he just left and—” Chanyeol stops abruptly when he hears a knock from outside his door. “Wait, did you come back, Baekhyun?”

“No? I just got to the library.”

The knocking sound continues, more persistently this time. “I’ll call you back later,” Chanyeol mutters, reaching for the door.

☆      ☆      ☆

Joonmyun’s feet are planted outside Chanyeol’s door, but he half wishes he could turn around and run away again. Something keeps him there in those few seconds during which Joonmyun changes his mind half a dozen times. He’s shaking, a jittery cocktail of nerves and no sleep. He almost flinches when Chanyeol opens the door again.

Chanyeol’s eyes are wide and confused when he opens the door. Joonmyun’s body always reacts whenever he sees Chanyeol, but this time his heart plummets when he sees tears streaking down Chanyeol’s cheeks and that his nose is drippy and inflamed.

“Did you forget something?” Chanyeol asks thickly. 

“Yeah,” Joonmyun whispers roughly. He stands on his tiptoes and reaches for the back of Chanyeol’s neck to pull his face down low enough to crush their lips together.

His brain is screaming at him to cease and desist, but every atom of Joonmyun’s body wants more of Chanyeol’s. Joonmyun pushes Chanyeol into the room and slams the door behind him. 

“Oh,” Chanyeol breathes.

Joonmyun reaches up to cradle Chanyeol’s cheeks, sucking hungrily at his lips as he walks him backwards until Chanyeol bumps into his bed frame. He lets Joonmyun bend him backwards onto his mattress, where he pins Chanyeol’s hands above his head. Joonmyun’s knee is planted firmly against Chanyeol’s crotch as he bends over to kiss him, bearing his weight on Chanyeol so he can’t move.

Every shift of Joonmyun’s knee sends a shiver down Chanyeol’s body. Joonmyun feels a rush of power when Chanyeol moans into his mouth and squirms under his touch. He lets his lips graze along Chanyeol’s sloping jawline down to his pale, slender neck. 

Temptation devours his last bit of self-control, and Joonmyun loses himself completely as he sinks his teeth into Chanyeol’s neck. Chanyeol’s back arches off his bed as he lets out a strangled cry, but Joonmyun keeps him pressed against the mattress and flattens his tongue over the indented bite marks on Chanyeol’s skin.

“Is this what you came here for?” Chanyeol gasps, equally aroused and alarmed. 

The sound of Chanyeol’s voice brings Joonmyun back to reality, and he loosens his grip on Chanyeol's wrists. He steps away from the bed, and Chanyeol stands up straight, towering over Joonmyun once again.

“Sorry,” Joonmyun mumbles sheepishly. The guilt and lust he feels towards his younger teammate are pulling him apart, tearing him in two. 

The initial shock of Joonmyun’s unexpectedly aggressive dominance is wearing off, and now Chanyeol is thrilled and thirsty for more. Chanyeol reaches out for Joonmyun’s fingers clasped nervously together, but Joonmyun steps out of Chanyeol’s reach. 

“This was a mistake,” Joonmyun says roughly, his face tense and pained. “This shouldn’t have happened—please forget this ever happened.”

The last thing Chanyeol wants is to let go of this moment, but he agrees anyways. “Okay,” Chanyeol tells him, hoping to see Joonmyun’s frown relax.

Joonmyun smiles at Chanyeol with genuine gratitude, giving him a glimpse of the long dimples that crease his cheeks and a sliver of endearingly large teeth. Just like that, any chance of having Joonmyun as more than a teammate or even a friend slips out of Chanyeol’s grasp.

☆      ☆      ☆

Over the next week, Chanyeol searches Joonmyun's eyes for a sign—anything that might betray that Joonmyun feels a flicker of _something_ when he sees Chanyeol. He finds nothing. Joonmyun's eyes are guarded even when he pulls off his helmet and smooths his bangs back away from his brow. Chanyeol is effectively invisible to him. 

It's so unfair, how Chanyeol's thrown into a complete disarray every time he encounters Joonmyun. But Joonmyun, he doesn't say a word to Chanyeol, barely even acknowledges him until the evening before their next match, an away game. 

By this time, Chanyeol's bewildered hurt has fermented into a more bitter feeling. He's grown up quickly over the past year, but he still doesn't deal well with being ignored. 

The coach divides the players into teams for a scrimmage drill. Chanyeol and Joonmyun start out as goalies on opposite sides. The attackers draw closer to Chanyeol's goal, and he shifts his weight onto the balls of his feet with his stick held vertically in front of him. A white blur hurtles into his periphery, and he swings erratically, somehow managing to catch the ball in his net. 

At the sound of the coach’s whistle—two short, shrill blows—the players switch positions. Chanyeol and Baekhyun exchange sticks, and Baekhyun jogs to the goal while Chanyeol joins the attackers. 

“Nice save!” Jongdae praises him, offering Chanyeol a high-five. 

“It was lucky,” Joonmyun teases, his eyes unreadable behind the grill of his helmet. 

Jongdae cackles and shoves Joonmyun's shoulder in jest. It was clearly a joke, the kind that Chanyeol exchanges often with his teammates. But after being ignored by Joonmyun, his comment grates especially on Chanyeol's nerves. 

“He's just trying to rile you up,” Minseok the vice captain assures Chanyeol. “Why don't you face-off against him?”

They crouch opposite from each other, the ball centered between them. Joonmyun stares intently at the ball as they wait for the coach’s signal, while Chanyeol watches Joonmyun's eyes. Even this close, Chanyeol can't find a sign that Joonmyun feels anything towards him behind his flinty black eyes. 

At the shriek of the coach’s whistle, Joonmyun pounces for the ball, but Chanyeol stubbornly resists. If it had been any other day, Joonmyun would have easily snatched the ball away. Today, however, Chanyeol scraps for the ball with greater tenacity than he's ever shown. 

They struggle, unrelenting, each trying to penetrate the other player’s defense. Finally, Chanyeol swings his own stick out of sheer frustration and knocks the stick out of Joonmyun's hands. It lands in the grass a few feet away. 

For a split second, Joonmyun stares at his empty hands as if wondering where his stick went. And then he launches himself at Chanyeol, pushing him over to wrestle Chanyeol's stick out of his hands. 

By the time the coach and the team come out of their shocked stupor, Joonmyun is straddling Chanyeol, whose back has been slammed into the grass. Joonmyun has one hand clutching the neck of Chanyeol's jersey and the other pulled back in a shaky, white knuckled fist like he's about to take a swing at him. Both of their helmets have come off in the fray, and their lacrosse sticks are laying in the grass, all but forgotten. 

They're both breathing heavy, eyes locked onto the other’s when the coach's stern voice snaps them back into the moment. 

“Joonmyun, why don't you and Chanyeol head back to the lockers to cool down a bit?”

Joonmyun shifts his weight against Chanyeol's crotch before standing up. The subtle grind leaves a strong afterprint of Joonmyun's weight against his body. A hot ball of shame rises in Chanyeol's throat when he realizes how much he enjoyed the feeling of Joonmyun's body, how much he craved his touch. Joonmyun offers a hand to help Chanyeol stand up, and just that brief moment of contact alone leaves a burning feeling on Chanyeol’s skin. 

They leave their teammates on the practice field speechless and bewildered as they silently trudge back to the locker room. Their heads are hung low, helmets tucked in their elbows. The tension between them is thick enough to slice until Joonmyun slams the locker door shut behind him and obscures them from their curious teammates.

Joonmyun collapses onto the bench, his gaze fixed on his lap until Chanyeol sits next to him.

It takes one glance at Joonmyun’s eyes for Chanyeol to realize that he hadn’t just been imagining this electric aura buzzing between them. Teammates don’t look at teammates like they’re something to devour, a dark look that’s less like hatred and more like hunger but sensual. 

Chanyeol feels it rising, glowing red heat to his cheeks, but he can’t make it stop. Before he can help it, Chanyeol’s blushing—he’s been reduced to a hot and awful mess, and Joonmyun hasn’t even opened his mouth to speak.

Joonmyun finally speaks in a soft precise voice. “I’m sorry.”

His words are demure, but the lascivious look in his eyes is anything but. There is no sign of apology in the way that he watches Chanyeol, like a predator marking his prey. Chanyeol averts his stare and mistakenly looks at Joonmyun’s lap instead. His eyes skim from Joonmyun’s tanned knees to the cool white outline of his thigh, the soft palpable flesh exposed from beneath the hem of his shorts.

Chanyeol feels the hot blood pulsing through his face and looks away, only to catch sight of Joonmyun’s smirk. 

“You’re cute,” Joonmyun tells him, his gaze flicking down to Chanyeol’s lips and then back up to his eyes. 

These are the words that undo him. Chanyeol shoves Joonmyun this time, and Joonmyun lets him. He bends Joonmyun backwards onto the locker room bench and holds him down in place with the strength of irrepressible desire. Chanyeol’s heartbeats tighten into a string of sharp staccatos as he presses his mouth against Joonmyun’s jugular, and then drags his lips with a feather light touch up Joonmyun’s throat. 

Chanyeol’s tongue is a key that unlocks Joonmyun’s sealed lips. His body is crackling with energy as he feels Joonmyun twist their bodies closer, squirming and shifting position to get every part of their bodies into as close contact as possible. But Chanyeol is nowhere near satisfied even when he’s brimming to the mouth with Joonmyun. It’s still not enough. When he pulls away, Chanyeol is silent, waiting for a reply to a question not framed in words. 

Joonmyun seems to remember himself. “We shouldn’t do this,” he whispers hoarsely.

His hands say otherwise, gripping tightly onto Chanyeol’s long fingers when he feels Chanyeol shift on top of him. 

“We need to stop,” Joonmyun urges.

“Then let go of my hands,” Chanyeol says, finally finding his voice. He doesn’t remember the last time he spent so long without talking. 

“We should really go,” Joonmyun mumbles, but he doesn’t budge, and Chanyeol bends over to press their foreheads tenderly together. 

“You never say what you really think, do you?” Chanyeol murmurs. 

“You always say what’s exactly on your mind.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Sometimes.”

“Fair enough,” Chanyeol laughs. “But it makes things so much easier most of the time.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I really want to kiss you right now. And if you want to kiss me, you should just say it too.”

“I don’t,” Joonmyun says. He closes his eyes and cranes his neck to kiss the plump bow of Chanyeol’s lips.

“If that’s what you say….”

“It seems that I can’t help myself when I’m around you,” Joonmyun confesses begrudgingly. 

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

Joonmyun spares a reluctant smile. “For you, maybe.”

The team is on water break by the time they return to the practice field. The coach doesn’t ask Joonmyun any questions, trusting the captain’s ability to resolve conflicts. Chanyeol’s helmet is back on, but he sees in the corner of his vision Baekhyun shooting him curious looks. Chanyeol tilts his head back to squirt water into his mouth through the grille of his helmet, and he flashes Baekhyun a subtle thumbs up in reassurance. 

“Last practice before our match tomorrow, guys,” Joonmyun announces as they huddle before returning to the field. “Let’s make it count.”

They bump fists and helmets, grunting in unison. Even though it is unlikely that Chanyeol will even step on the field this season, moments like these make him feel like he’s genuinely part of the team.

☆      ☆      ☆

Chanyeol’s forehead is pressed to the bus seat window as golden fields of corn and wheat zoom by. They’re on their way to a rival university several hours away, and Chanyeol seems to be the only one on his team who is in a carefree state of mind. The pressure is on for starting players like Joonmyun and Baekhyun and even more so for players like Sehun and Jongin who don’t know if they’ll be put in the game again. The coach took a risk at the last game by letting the core of their defense center around the two freshmen, but obviously the risk didn’t pay off. Chanyeol doesn’t know what’s worse—letting the team down or never having the chance to prove yourself in the first place.

It’s the first time Chanyeol has had to sit alone on the bus, not that he minds. He and Baekhyun normally sit together, but today Baekhyun is finishing a short story on his laptop for his creative writing class. The story is a psychological piece about a man stuck on a spacecraft and isolated from human contact, but Chanyeol had tried to point out the inaccuracies in Baekhyun’s descriptions of space travel. This resulted in Baekhyun shunning him for the rest of the trip. 

“Would you like a hot pack?” Joonmyun asks, sliding into the seat next to Chanyeol.

“A what?” Chanyeol asks. He’s already starting to smile just from seeing Joonmyun again. As Baekhyun puts it, when Chanyeol has crushes, he has them bad.

Joonmyun offers him a crinkly plastic package. “Hot pack, to keep your hands warm. Or you can put them in your shoes to keep your toes warm.”

Chanyeol begins to decline Joonmyun’s offer, but then he notices the earnest look in his captain’s eyes. “Yeah sure. Thanks!”

His stomach swoops a bit when Joonmyun beams at him with a big galvanic smile and shows him how to shake the hot pack to activate the heat. 

“The heat will last for a few hours, probably until we get back.”

Chanyeol leans in close to Joonmyun’s ear and whispers, “Can we just hold hands to stay warm on the way back?”

Joonmyun acts like he didn’t hear Chanyeol’s suggestion, but the smile won’t leave his face as he offers hot packs to the rest of their teammates. 

The team is in unfamiliar territory when they arrive at the rival campus, but Chanyeol couldn’t be more certain about their victory. Morale is high, and the team exudes an aura of confidence when they jog onto the field for warm ups. 

Baekhyun, Yixing, and a few other attackers do face-off drills on the sideline, while Chanyeol helps Joonmyun warm up in the crease. He cradles the ball while circling the goal and then makes a shot between his legs. Joonmyun, of course, saves it, dipping the head of his lacrosse stick low to cradle the ball in his net.

After a lengthy streak of consecutive saves, Chanyeol lowers the stick he borrowed from a teammate on attack. “You good?” he shouts over the noisy wind whistling in his ears.

“A few more please,” Joonmyun calls back. 

The rest of his team starts to trickle out of the field to change out of their warm up gear and into their full uniforms, but Chanyeol stays at the goal with Joonmyun until he’s satisfied. 

“Thanks,” Joonmyun pants as they jog to catch up with the rest of their team. He makes a clunky gloved fist and bumps Chanyeol’s helmet.

Chanyeol doesn’t remember ever screaming this loud during a match. He feels a rush of euphoria every time Joonmyun makes a save, like he saved the point himself. Unlike Baekhyun and the other attackers’ showy victory dances when they make a goal, Joonmyun calmly saves one shot after another without celebration or complacency. Chanyeol does the celebrating for him. 

They climb from one point to the next, thoroughly unrelenting through the last few minutes of the game even when they have an irrecoverable lead over their opponents. Even the rival fans have given up on their own team—the stadium is emptying out with time still on the clock. 

The seconds are down to milliseconds, and players from both teams are crowded around Joonmyun’s goal. An opponent attacker tries to make a shot over his shoulder, but Joonmyun’s reflexes are quicker. He catches the ball in his net and cradles it, shouting at his teammates to cross the field to make another goal. But they know that they’ve won the game already.

Chanyeol and the rest of the team on the sidelines stampede the field even before the air horn blows, rushing over to Joonmyun to pick him up. He’s lifted above the mass of jumping, hollering bodies, flailing helplessly and demanding to be put back down. Chanyeol pushes through to the center of the throng to grab Joonmyun by the waist and hold him in a tight hug. Only the armor under Joonmyun’s jersey prevents his ribs from being crushed.

“You won!” Chanyeol screams hoarsely, his voice cracking.

“I didn’t score any points,” Joonmyun shouts back. He’s hardly audible even though they’re just inches from each other.

“You won,” Chanyeol repeats. There’s tears running down his cheeks, or it might be the cold torrent of rain pouring from the darkening sky. 

They parade from the field to the locker room, soaked and shivering, but happy. After changing into dry clothes, they file onto the bus and Joonmyun offers hot packs again to everyone who had refused him before. This time, his teammates accept them gratefully. 

“Do you still have yours?” Joonmyun asks, sitting next to Chanyeol after making his rounds to check up on all of his teammates. 

“No,” Chanyeol lies. He slips his hand into Joonmyun’s pocket to hold onto his toasty fingers. “I guess we’ll have to hold hands.”

It’s dark enough in the bus that nobody would notice, so Joonmyun grunts, “Fine.”

As much as Joonmyun puts up an outer facade of disinterest in Chanyeol, he plays with Chanyeol’s hand in his pocket, rubbing his fingertips over his raised knuckles and exploring the crevices in his palm with his thumb. They sit in a comfortable silence until Joonmyun dozes off against Chanyeol’s shoulder. Chanyeol closes his eyes and fills his lungs with Joonmyun for the rest of the trip home.


	3. Chapter 3

☆      ☆      ☆

Most Saturday nights Chanyeol would be partying or passed out, but tonight he’s in Joonmyun’s kitchen helping him make breakfast sandwiches for the team.

“Don’t tell anyone,” Joonmyun reminds him as he pokes at the eggs sizzling in his pan. “I want it to be a surprise at practice tomorrow.”

“I won’t,” Chanyeol reassures him. Joonmyun’s back is turned to Chanyeol, who grins dopily at the sight of his captain frying eggs in only boxer shorts and an apron.

“Does Baekhyun know you’re here?”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says automatically. They’re the type of inseparable best friends who are together more often than they’re apart. Chanyeol always knows Baekhyun’s whereabouts and vice versa.

Joonmyun turns around to frown at Chanyeol. “Did you tell him that we’re making food for the team?” 

Unsaid is the fact that if Baekhyun finds out, the entire team will, too.

“No, don’t worry. I didn’t tell him what we’re doing.” Chanyeol’s voice lowers. “He’ll probably assume that we’re fucking.”

He meant it as a joke, but Joonmyun slides the cooked eggs onto a plate next to the bacon and sets it on the table before sitting down across from Chanyeol. Joonmyun’s gaze turns critical, his mouth set in a stern line. 

“Sorry,” Chanyeol mumbles. “That was a dumb joke.”

“Chanyeol.” Joonmyun’s voice is surprisingly gentle. “I think we need to talk.”

His words prick Chanyeol with a needle of fear. “About what?”

“Sex.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know how Joonmyun can say it so naturally when hearing the word comes out of his mouth is enough to set him off into a fury of blushing. 

“W-what about it?” Chanyeol stammers.

“I want you to really think about what you might want, because I don’t want you to do anything you might regret.”

Chanyeol wrinkles his nose in disgust to hide his embarrassment. “Why are you talking like a high school health teacher? This is so weird.”

“I want you to make sure you’re really ready for the emotional consequences.”

“I’ve hooked up with people before,” Chanyeol scoffs. “And I know you have, too. This is really, really weird to talk about this before we’ve even done anything. Do you always initiate every hookup with this disclaimer?”

“Who said anything about hooking up?” Joonmyun mumbles. “We’re just making breakfast sandwiches.”

“Oh?” The corners of Chanyeol’s mouth lift up in a loose grin. “Is that slang I don’t know about yet?”

Joonmyun pouts and starts assembling sandwiches, handing them to Chanyeol to wrap in aluminum foil.

The sudden changes in Joonmyun’s demeanor and his cryptic way of speaking is hard for Chanyeol to keep up with. It seems like the more time Chanyeol spends with him, the less he understands Joonmyun. It’s exciting, in a way. Chanyeol likes the challenge. 

“I know what you’re doing,” Chanyeol says confidently.

Joonmyun looks up at him with questioning eyes.

“You’re _thinking_ ,” Chanyeol explains. “It’s weird to talk and plan things out so much.”

It's like their roles are reversed—Joonmyun is usually the one who shies away from communication. Now it's more like he wants to, but doesn't know how. 

Joonmyun’s voice is suddenly impossibly small. “I just don’t want to mess things up again.”

“Okay. Would it make you feel better if we talked about exactly what we want first?”

“I'm not used to that,” Joonmyun confesses quietly. 

“Yeah, me neither.” 

Chanyeol usually has sex recklessly and whenever he feels like it, without worrying about consistency or communication. But he wants something else from Joonmyun—just what that is, not even Chanyeol could say for sure at this point. 

The question remains unanswered as they finish making breakfast sandwiches, chatting idly about their teammates and coach. It hits Chanyeol then, just how unwise it would be for them to be in any kind of relationship. They would have to keep it a secret from their team, even their friends. Baekhyun would know, of course, but Baekhyun knows everything. 

In the end, the mere fact that Joonmyun has considered having sex with Chanyeol is enough for him to decide that he'll handle this the way he handles any other hookup: act now and figure it out later. 

Joonmyun yawns as he hangs his apron on the back of his chair. He's now wearing only a flimsy pair of plaid boxers, completely comfortable in his own skin. 

“I'm gonna head to bed. Are you going to stay the night?” Joonmyun asks. 

“Can I?”

The older boy shrugs. “Your call.”

Chanyeol invites himself into Joonmyun's bed, an extra-long twin sized mattress that was clearly not meant for two full grown men to squeeze onto. The thought that Joonmyun would finally be his dances along Chanyeol's nerves like an electric current. 

With the cramped dimensions of the mattress, the only way for them to fit comfortably together is for their bodies to be as entwined as possible. Joonmyun is virtually on top of Chanyeol by the time they find a comfortable position. 

“As shitty as this apartment is, I'm gonna miss it when I move out after graduation,” Joonmyun says wistfully, his lips moving against Chanyeol's chest. 

“Oh yeah?”

“I could buy a house with the amount of debt I'll be in. I'm gonna end up living in a cardboard box if I can't get a job straight out of school.”

“I can't believe you're graduating in a few months. I'm only finishing up my first year.”

“Oh yeah. Sophomore year is fun. Except for organic chemistry. That class made no fucking sense. We just learned mechanisms and shit, and we never learned how stuff actually worked. I still don't know what a fucking antibonding orbital is.”

Joonmyun's words are beyond Chanyeol's comprehension, but he still chuckles at his self-deprecating tone. Chanyeol has never heard Joonmyun speak so frankly like this to anyone else. He's usually so much more guarded. 

Overflowing with affection, Chanyeol kisses Joonmyun's hair, and then his ears and neck. To Chanyeol's delight, Joonmyun lets out an involuntary gasp when Chanyeol's lips brush against a sensitive spot on his neck. His smirk hidden in the darkness, Chanyeol flicks that spot with his tongue, enjoying the way Joonmyun's body contracts in response. 

He grabs Joonmyun's chin to fit their lips together, and feeling Joonmyun moan into his mouth is enough to make Chanyeol's dick stir with arousal. Joonmyun's hands find Chanyeol’s face in the darkness, cradling his cheeks in his palms and then tugging at his hair. 

Chanyeol makes a low, hardly articulate sound when Joonmyun mouths along his jaw and down to his neck, where he feels a sharp, sudden sting. 

“Again?”

“Sorry,” Joonmyun chuckles quietly. “I can't help myself.”

Chanyeol's hands travel down from Joonmyun's firm chest to his taut abdomen, lower and lower until he's touching Joonmyun's erection. He feels strangely proud for making Joonmyun react this way, even though Joonmyun has done the same to him. 

He wishes he could see Joonmyun's face as he reaches around his body to jerk him off in quick, deliberate strokes. Joonmyun's back is nestled against Chanyeol's chest, and he's probably completely aware of Chanyeol's erection pressing into his ass. He's stiff and aching, but Chanyeol's priority is to get Joonmyun off first. 

Chanyeol feels the swell against his palm, hears Joonmyun's breaths go shallow and shuddery, and then warm liquid is seeping onto his closed fist. Joonmyun is so over sensitive that he writhes and whines when Chanyeol tries to squeeze in a few more languid strokes. 

He was focusing on Joonmyun so much that Chanyeol didn't even notice that the friction of Joonmyun's back against his dick was enough to bring him to his own completion. He's only now aware of his heaving chest and a dull throbbing ache in his groin.

“I need another shower,” Joonmyun moans. 

“Yeah, me too,” Chanyeol agrees. 

“What was the point of going to bed if we just ended up getting up again?” Joonmyun grumbles as he adjusts the temperature of the water streaming onto their naked bodies. “Also, why are you in here with me?”

“To save time?” Chanyeol suggests, circling his arms around Joonmyun’s waist. He rests his forehead on Joonmyun’s shoulder. “You’re so comfy.”

“Don’t fall asleep on me,” Joonmyun sighs, but he reaches around Chanyeol’s neck to smooth his fingers over his nape. 

Chanyeol leans away, letting his hands slide down from Joonmyun’s waist to his hips. He’s happier than he can ever remember being with Joonmyun all to himself like this. Joonmyun is surprisingly muscular, but still so narrow in Chanyeol’s large hands. He rubs the jut of Joonmyun’s hip bones with his thumbs.

“I love you, captain,” Chanyeol murmurs. He feels a distinct thrill saying the words he’s said so often before, but with a completely different meaning this time.

Caution, or even fear, holds Joonmyun back. As much as he wishes he could fall in love as recklessly as Chanyeol, he’s afraid of the crash at the end when he’s no longer soaring on a high. That’s why he prefers hookups. They’re simple, uncomplicated, easy to ignore. On his end, at least. Joonmyun can’t remember what it’s like to have sex with someone he’s in love with. He wouldn’t even recognize the feeling at this point. 

Chanyeol doesn’t pressure Joonmyun to reciprocate in vulnerability, and Joonmyun is grateful. The younger boy is overjoyed just to be kissed by Joonmyun, and the innocence of it all is enough to make Joonmyun’s heart pang.

“Careful,” Joonmyun whispers against Chanyeol’s slick lips, red and tender from Joonmyun’s penchant for biting. “You might get an erection again.”

He meant it as a joke, but Chanyeol’s eyes go comically wide. The endearing roundness of Chanyeol’s eyes makes Joonmyun laugh, but then he follows Chanyeol’s gaze downwards to his half-hard cock.

“Are you serious? It’s been like five minutes,” Joonmyun says incredulously. “Young people are scary.”

“You’re not that old,” Chanyeol mutters. “And I’m not that young.”

“It’s not about age, it’s about experience.” Joonmyun plays with Chanyeol’s ears, bright red at the tips now. He holds Chanyeol closer and feels his hardness press into his belly.

Chanyeol tries to squirm away and avoids Joonmyun’s eyes, clearly embarrassed. And then he looks shyly at Joonmyun with a timid, dimpled smile that clearly tells him that he can’t help it. 

“Have you fucked a guy before?” Joonmyun asks, watching Chanyeol intently.

“No,” Chanyeol breathes. Even though he knows the answer already, he asks, “Have you?”

“I have,” Joonmyun answers calmly. 

Between Joonmyun’s taunting eyes and commanding kisses, Chanyeol gives himself over to burning curiosity and desire. 

“Then you’ll be my first,” Chanyeol decides.

Joonmyun’s jaw falls open in shock at Chanyeol’s boldness, but then the corner of his mouth lifts up in a smirk. He pushes Chanyeol against the wall of his shower stall, pinning Chanyeol’s wrists to his sides as he tiptoes to tangle their tongues. He kisses Chanyeol and grinds their erections against each other, until Chanyeol is gasping for breath and painfully turned on. 

He grabs Chanyeol by the wrist and leads him out of the shower and back to the bedroom, their bare feet leaving a trail of wet footprints on the ground. There’s no room on his bed for vigorous activity, so Joonmyun takes the soiled sheet from before and spreads it on the floor.

Chanyeol marvels at how Joonmyun’s hands can be so steady as he rifles through his drawer for a bottle of lubricant, which he uncaps and dispenses generously on Chanyeol’s palm. Joonmyun spreads the cold gel over Chanyeol’s fingers and guides them to his entrance. Joonmyun twitches involuntarily at the feeling of Chanyeol’s first fingertip nudging inside. Chanyeol’s hand hesitantly follows Joonmyun’s lead as he fits another finger in, fucking Joonmyun with slow, probing strokes. 

“Does that feel good?” Chanyeol asks huskily.

Joonmyun lets out a strangled cry, and then gasps, “Fuck yes.”

His back arches when Chanyeol squeezes another finger inside, reaching in three knuckles deep.

“No more fingers,” Joonmyun grits out between clenched teeth. 

Chanyeol slides his fingers out, and Joonmyun scrambles onto his elbows and knees. He digs his fingers into the sheet spread out on the floor and closes his eyes as Chanyeol grabs his hips to guide his cock into Joonmyun’s entrance. Each jarring thrust drives him closer until Chanyeol is aching all over for release, and Joonmyun’s body is shivering.

“Fuck, I’m so close,” Joonmyun whimpers. 

To his agony, Chanyeol pulls out and rolls Joonmyun over onto his back to re-enter him from a different angle. Joonmyun ruts up against him impatiently as Chanyeol slowly begins his thrusts, bending down to his elbows to kiss Joonmyun. 

“You’re so hot,” Chanyeol murmurs, but his voice is lost to Joonmyun’s breathy moan. He clenches spastically around Chanyeol in his orgasm, and it only takes a few snapping thrusts for Chanyeol to reach his own.

Chanyeol stays inside Joonmyun for a few moments, just admiring the red flush to his cheeks and his half-lidded dark eyes. No matter what Joonmyun might say, Chanyeol knows that he can’t possibly be the only one who’s feeling anything in all of this. 

While Joonmyun stuffs their dirty sheets into the washing machine, Chanyeol searches through the linen closet for clean sheets. He finds a clean set and pulls it loose from the stack. A lacy hot pink thong that most definitely does not belong to Joonmyun flutters to Chanyeol’s feet. His arms are full, so he picks it up with his toe and kicks it back into the closet. Littering the floor of the closet are even more scanty undergarments, including a bra or two. Chanyeol shakes his head and nudges the door shut with his elbow. Baekhyun wasn’t kidding when he said that Joonmyun had game. 

Joonmyun sleeps comfortably on top of Chanyeol’s chest, feeling safe and small in Chanyeol’s arms. Chanyeol dozes off long after Joonmyun falls asleep, the way he always does at sleepovers, but he doesn’t mind. It lets him enjoy the closeness of their bodies for that much longer.

☆      ☆      ☆

Chanyeol’s first thought when he hears the shrieks is that the building is on fire. He tries to sit up, but Joonmyun weighs too heavily on his chest. Two unfamiliar faces come into view, and Chanyeol’s second thought is that he actually has no idea what’s going on.

“What the fuck,” Joonmyun mumbles, blinking sleepily. “Seulgi? Joohyun? What are you guys doing in my room?”

The slightly taller girl on the left looks sideways at the other girl before they share a squeal. “I’m Seulgi,” she gushes. “You must be Chanyeol!”

“Joonmyun,” Chanyeol groans. “Who are these people, and why do they know who I am?”

Joohyun, the other, equally excited girl giggles, “Joonmyun was right! You do have a cute face and a sexy voice!”

“Hey, can you guys please leave?” Joonmyun asks irritably. “The door was closed for a reason.”

“Sorry!” Seulgi says, not sounding the least bit apologetic. “We saw Chanyeol’s shoes by the door, so we were too curious!”

“Bye Joonmyun! Bye Chanyeol!” Joohyun chirps, steering Seulgi out of the room by the shoulders.

“Fuck you guys,” Joonmyun calls out after them.

“Who were they?” Chanyeol asks, the conversation still not quite processing in his brain.

“My roommates,” Joonmyun grunts.

“You have roommates?”

“Yeah.” Joonmyun closes his eyes, trying to chase sleep behind his eyelids.

“You never told me!”

“You never asked.”

Fair enough. Chanyeol should have noticed the extra couple of doors in the hallway of Joonmyun’s suite and the surplus of hair products in his bathroom. 

“Wait,” Chanyeol says suddenly. “How did they know who I was? And the thing about my face and my voice? Did you tell them about me?”

Joonmyun answers Chanyeol’s questions with noisy fake snores, and Chanyeol decides to let the question rest for now.

The alarm on Chanyeol’s phone starts playing a vapid, lovesick melody and he musters the strength to hoist Joonmyun off his body. 

“Come on captain, we’ve got to head to practice.”

“No practice today,” Joonmyun mumbles, clinging onto Chanyeol's shoulders.

“Was it cancelled?”

“Yes. By the captain.”

“By you.”

“I'm cancelling practice for the rest of the year.”

“You can't do that,” Chanyeol laughs softly.

“I'm the captain.”

Chanyeol tries to reason with him. “How are we going to win any of our games? What's gonna happen to my lacrosse scholarship? I won't be able to afford classes here anymore.”

“No lacrosse, no class. Only sleep.”

Joonmyun is a lost cause at this point, so Chanyeol gently pats his cheek and kisses him on the forehead.

“Can I borrow a clean shirt?” Chanyeol asks. He receives a mumble that sounds like a “sure” in return. “I'm taking that as a yes.”

Chanyeol pries Joonmyun's arms off his body and stumbles onto the floor. He digs through Joonmyun's drawers, which are overflowing with a messy conglomeration of unfolded shirts, shorts, socks, and underwear. He picks up the first shirt he sees, a black t-shirt with “Lacrosse State Champions 2009” silkscreened on the front. It's wrinkled, but clean, and it smells like Joonmyun. The shirt is slightly small on Chanyeol, but the fabric is well-worn and soft. It's comfortable.

Seulgi and Joohyun are in the kitchen when Chanyeol emerges from the bedroom. 

“Good morning—wait, what are you guys eating? We made those for the team!” 

The girls look up at him, with their cheeks stuffed with breakfast sandwiches. 

“Seulgi, you said that it was okay!” Joohyun whines.

“I didn’t know they weren’t for us!” Seulgi returns helplessly. 

“Oh, um, that’s okay,” Chanyeol says. “We made a few extra just in case. How many did you guys eat?”

He follows their guilty looks to the plastic container on the kitchen counter, where only a couple of sandwiches are left untouched. 

“They were so good,” Seulgi says contritely. “We didn’t mean to eat them all.”

“You said that you bet we could finish them all before the boys got out of bed!” Joohyun teases. 

Seulgi clamps her hand over her best friend’s mouth and says, “We are really very sorry, and if you could please tell Joonmyun—”

“Tell me what?” Joonmyun’s voice is low and raspy, his face still full of sleep. He’s wandered into the kitchen, still in only a pair of boxers. It seems that he’s used to being shirtless when he’s at home. 

“Nothing!” Seulgi squeaks. “Well, um, I thought I’d just tell you, Joonmyun, you’re one of my best friends. I think we’re so close that we can finish each other’s s—”

“Sandwiches,” Joonmyun finishes instinctively. “Fuck, did you eat all my sandwiches?” 

“We’re so sorry, Joonmyun-oppa,” Seulgi says in a tiny voice. She only calls Joonmyun “oppa” ironically or when she’s in trouble. 

Joonmyun narrows his eyes, and his roommates clasp pinky fingers nervously behind their backs. Then he sighs. “Chanyeol, looks like we’ll have to make a Dunkin Donuts run before practice starts.”

“Um, captain?” Chanyeol says. “Practice starts in fifteen minutes.”

Eyes widening in alarm, Joonmyun hisses, “ _Fuck_. Why didn’t you wake me up earlier? We can still make it if we hurry.”

Chanyeol doesn’t have the chance to answer Joonmyun’s question before the captain is sprinting back to his room to get dressed. He slips on a pair of shorts slung over the back of his chair, and he grabs the first shirt he sees off the floor. Less than a minute later, Joonmyun is out the door and on his way to his car with Chanyeol jogging behind him to keep up.

They arrive to practice five minutes later than everyone else, arms full of donut boxes. They’re met with curious stares, and Chanyeol soon realizes that it’s not because they’ve brought breakfast for the team. It’s because they’re both disheveled looking with messy hair and wrinkled, ill-fitting clothes. Chanyeol’s shirt is clearly too small for him, and Joonmyun’s shirt hangs loosely on his narrow, trim frame. What’s worse is that neither of them realized, until now, that Joonmyun’s wearing Chanyeol’s lacrosse shirt: it has his player number “61” and last name lettered on the back. 

Joonmyun seems oblivious, but Baekhyun fixes Chanyeol with an amused stare, an obnoxious grin plastered to his face. As soon as he gets the chance, Baekhyun pulls Chanyeol aside and asks in a hushed voice, “So did you get any?”

“Shut up,” Chanyeol grunts, but he can't stop grinning. 

“Dude.”

“What.”

“You're so fucking whipped.”

“What?”

“You're so obvious,” Baekhyun says smugly. It's almost scary, how keenly perceptive Baekhyun is of Chanyeol and his feelings. “But I'm happy for you, man. I'm glad things are working out.”

“Well, we'll see about that,” Chanyeol mumbles, trying to hide how ecstatic he is.

Chanyeol can’t help but sneak glances at Joonmyun throughout practice. He's not thinking about the sex he had with Joonmyun, but rather subtler moments, like holding hands with him in the dark. More than anything else, Chanyeol wants to hold onto the feeling of Joonmyun being his.

Distraction comes at a price. Chanyeol is totally checked out when he’s manning the goal, and Baekhyun takes a shot at him from the midfield line just to see if he can make it. He’s vaguely aware of Joonmyun calling his name, and he turns towards the sound of his voice, an idiotic smile crossing his face. Chanyeol is fortunately wearing a helmet, because he’s looking in the opposite direction when the ball hurtles towards him, full-force. 

The impact is hard enough to leave a bruise, but not enough to knock him out. Chanyeol falls over anyways, the sheer humiliation of it sapping him of his strength to stand. Baekhyun and Joonmyun are the first to rush to Chanyeol’s side. 

“I think your boyfriend is gonna be okay,” Baekhyun says, kneeling down to unfasten Chanyeol’s helmet. “Aren’t you, Chanyeol?”

“Pardon?” Joonmyun says, as though he’s startled that Baekhyun is addressing him.

Chanyeol glares at Baekhyun, trying to warn him of his indiscretion, but he proceeds heedlessly. 

“I’m really sorry about this,” Baekhyun apologizes without a trace of insincerity. “Chanyeol’s a pretty big idiot to begin with, but he’s even dumber when he’s in love, so you’ll have to keep an extra careful eye on your boyfriend for his safety.”

“I think there must have been a miscommunication,” Joonmyun stammers suddenly. “We’re not—whatever you seem to think we are.”

Baekhyun’s expression sinks a second before Chanyeol’s heart does. But Baekhyun recovers quickly, his face lighting up with his same old mischievous smile, and he says, “I’m just kidding, I know you guys aren’t dating.”

He’s saving Chanyeol from even more embarrassment, but it does nothing to make him feel at ease again. There’s a suffusive ache spreading through his chest that has nothing to do with getting hit by the ball. 

Joonmyun reports the injury to the coach, and Baekhyun accompanies Chanyeol to the athletic trainer for ice. 

“Dude, I am so sorry,” Baekhyun says as soon as they’re out of earshot from the rest of the team. “From what you told me about last night, especially about Joonmyun’s roommates…. I just kind of assumed.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol sighs. 

“I mean, I’m sure it’s because he wants to keep it under wraps since most of the team probably doesn’t even know that he’s gay.”

“Yeah.”

“And even if he denies it now, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have a chance! There’s like a ninety percent chance that you’re driving him crazy too.”

“You think so?”

“Totally! Like the fact that he’s told Seulgi and Joohyun about you, that’s totally gotta mean something. I’ve never heard Joonmyun talking about anyone ever. He usually fucks people and then acts like it never happened.”

“Oh god, but what if that’s what he’s doing now though?” Chanyeol groans. “He seems like the kind of person who doesn’t appreciate when people expect too much out of a hookup. I don’t want to be that person.”

“But you’re not!” Baekhyun tries to convince him. “You’re not just another hookup. You’re special.”

“How do you know?” 

“Because you’re in love with him, and that’s gotta mean something.”

“It’s not that hard to fall in love with Joonmyun,” Chanyeol mutters. 

Baekhyun looks at him sympathetically, feeling his pain. “You should really just talk to him, before this whole thing eats away at you too much. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to read his mind, and I’m sure he’s enough of an adult to tell you straight up what he wants.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think you’re right.” Chanyeol has his misgivings about approaching Joonmyun, but he doesn’t know if he can hold his silence. “I’ll talk to him.”

Baekhyun gives Chanyeol’s a hand a quick squeeze. “Be brave, Chanyeol.”

☆      ☆      ☆

Joonmyun can hardly meet Chanyeol’s earnest eyes when he asks to meet with him after practice. He casts his eyes down and sees Chanyeol’s hands—the broad palms and long, elegant fingers that held Joonmyun the night before with all the certainty in the world. Now, they’re visibly shaky as he nervously clenches and unfurls his fist. 

“Yeah, sure, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun says as evenly as he can. “Help me put stuff away?”

Just the chance to be useful to Joonmyun and earn his gratitude makes Chanyeol’s eyes light up. Their exchanges are brief, perfunctory, as they move the equipment into storage. _Push this out of the way. Lock this up. Roll up this mat._

When Joonmyun is satisfied with the state of things, he takes a swig from his water bottle to quench his thirst and then expertly caps the lid with no sign of nerves in his deft fingers. 

“What can I help you with, Chanyeol?” he asks in his upbeat captain voice, like he has no idea what the younger player wants to talk about. 

“I wanted to say I'm sorry. I should have been paying attention during practice when Baekhyun made that shot.”

“Oh. Well, to be fair, nobody would have expected Baekhyun’s shot to make it from the midfield line.”

Chanyeol's lips lift into a crooked smile. “I'll tell him you said that.” His voice is a low, amused murmur that sends a thrill through Joonmyun's body. 

“Anything else you wanted to talk about?” Joonmyun probes gently. He can tell by the troubled set to Chanyeol's brow that his apology was not the only reason he wanted Joonmyun's attention. 

“Should we go somewhere private?” Chanyeol suggests, looking worriedly around the empty practice field. 

“There's nobody here. And the weather is beautiful today.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol agrees, but he's more agitated than ever for some reason. 

Joonmyun waits patiently for Chanyeol to gather his thoughts into words. 

“So….” Chanyeol begins, his voice low and a little hoarse. “I just wanted to know if this means we're dating.”

“No,” Joonmyun says automatically. Too quickly.

Chanyeol's face doesn't change—it's almost like he expected that answer. “Then what is this?”

“It was satisfying an urge.”

It's clear now that this was not an answer Chanyeol expected. His eyes widen slightly in hurt. Joonmyun strains to maintain a cool facade, even though saying this is even more painful for him than it is for Chanyeol. 

“What about my feelings?” Chanyeol blurts out. “Do they mean anything to you?”

“You're mistaken,” Joonmyun says in a cold voice that doesn't feel like it belongs to him. 

“How can I be mistaken about my own feelings? I love you.”

“Please try not to.” Joonmyun's fists are at his sides, his raised white knuckles clenched painfully tight. 

“But…. I love you,” Chanyeol repeats helplessly. Pathetically, in his own ears. 

“I won't be able to return your feelings. I don't know what gave you the impression that I would.”

Chanyeol looks like he's been slapped in the face. And then his face rearranges into an even more painful expression, a brittle smile pieced together from broken shards.

“Sorry about this.” Chanyeol chuckles humorlessly in self-deprecation. “I shouldn't have made things weird between us. I'm so sorry. I should have known better.”

“Chanyeol….” Joonmyun says gently. He tries to reach for his shoulder, but Chanyeol shrugs him away.

“I know you're not the dating type, and I had no reason to believe that I would be any exception.”

Chanyeol's eyes are downcast, defeated, as he shifts his weight from foot to foot.

“Oh, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun sighs, deliberately stepping forward to close the distance between them.

Joonmyun's consoling touches are met with icy unresponsiveness as his attempts to cheer Chanyeol up fall flat. He hates seeing Chanyeol looking so quietly distraught, trying to conceal how upset he is. Unlike Joonmyun, Chanyeol is terrible at hiding how he feels. 

The sky is clear, but Joonmyun’s mood is stormy after Chanyeol leaves with nothing else to say. He had steeled himself for this moment, but his own feelings are fracturing, threatening to burst through. When he’s alone on the practice field, he buckles over, covering his face in his hands. Even Joonmyun has his limits.

After forcing a few deep, shuddery breaths through his lungs, Joonmyun finds his phone. He opens up his messages. The first conversation is a group chat with Seulgi and Joohyun. He starts typing a message with shaky thumbs, and then deletes it all, opening a private message with Joohyun instead.

 _Please don’t tell Seulgi,_ Joonmyun types.

☆      ☆      ☆

Denial is Joonmyun’s method of choice when it comes to avoiding heartbreak. It makes problems easier to ignore when Joonmyun pretends like they’re not there. By now, Joonmyun lies to himself so well that he manages to convince himself that everything is okay between him and Chanyeol. His best friends are harder to convince.

Joohyun is quiet when Joonmyun returns to the apartment after telling her that he turned Chanyeol down, again. Joonmyun is grateful for her silence, because the the last thing Joonmyun needs is her judgment. He knew that she would understand, even more so than Seulgi, who is a year younger than them. Joohyun would understand the pain of falling in love with someone like Chanyeol, of being so happy that it’ll only make it that much harder to say good.

In Joonmyun’s eyes, he had to sever any chance of them being anything more than friends or even teammates. A clean break was what they needed, but it’s only left Joonmyun feeling shattered and jagged around the edges. 

They haven’t exchanged a word more than “hello” by the time Seulgi returns from her Sunday afternoon yoga. She’s practically bouncing with bubbly energy, receiving a fond smile from Joohyun curled up on their couch.

“Was it the cute yoga instructor again?” Joohyun asks knowingly.

“You won’t _believe_ how amazing his ass looked today,” Seulgi gushes. 

She’s completely oblivious of any tension between Joonmyun and Joohyun as she treats them to a play-by-play of every position she enjoyed her view from. 

“Did you get his number?” Joonmyun asks. Seulgi’s happiness is so infectious that he can’t help but smile.

Seulgi pouts, her lower lip pushing out cutely. “No,” she whines. “He was too busy talking to people after class, and I don’t know if he even knows who I am, let alone if he’d be interested in me.”

“How will you know if you don’t try? Just go for it so you don’t have any regrets!” Joonmyun encourages her.

“Yeah, just tell him that you like him,” Joohyun agrees, but her eyes are fixed on Joonmyun. “Or else he’ll never know how you feel, and you’ll always wonder what you could have had with him.”

“I mean, it’s totally understandable if you don’t want to take the risk, since it’s such a huge gamble,” Joonmyun equivocates, feeling affronted by Joohyun’s oblique criticism. 

“But consider the fact that avoiding him will only make you feel worse about yourself, and he’ll just think that you don’t like him, or worse—that you hate him.”

“Um, guys? That’s a little intense,” Seulgi says, glancing uneasily between her two friends. “I think I’ll be okay. He can’t hate me for not confessing to him since we’ve literally only talked once. And it was about energy drinks.”

She skips off to her bedroom, leaving them alone. Joonmyun breaks the silence.

“I fucked up, didn’t I,” he says tightly.

“No,” Joohyun sighs. “I get it. It’s a shitty thing to do, yeah, but I see where you’re coming from. You just don’t want to get hurt, and at the end of the day, I don’t want to see you get hurt either.”

“Thanks.”

It isn’t approval of Joonmyun's actions—not even close—but this tiny bit of validation is more ‘than what Joonmyun can ask for. 

“It’s just….” Joonmyun begins after a heavily silence, “I could write a whole book on reasons why it isn’t a good idea to tell him how I feel.”

“Yeah?” Joohyun says, not entirely convinced. “What reasons?”

“Should I start with the gay thing, the teammate thing, or the graduating in three months thing?”

“Joonmyun,” she sighs, her voice gentler than before.

“I know that some of the reasons sound like they’re excuses, but there’s just some things that I can’t risk for a guy.”

“Not even Chanyeol?”

“Especially not Chanyeol, because I love him so much I want to keep him forever. It’s gonna hurt when we have to keep it a secret from everyone so we don’t harm the team’s reputation. And it’s gonna hurt even more when I leave school, if he even still has feelings for me by the end of the semester.”

“Joonmyun, you’re thinking too much. You’re looking way too far ahead, and assuming the worst. You’ve hurt Chanyeol so much already, and he doesn’t even know you’re in love with him. Can’t you take a risk just this once, if not for yourself, then for Chanyeol?”

“I can’t mess around anymore,” Joonmyun mutters, more to convince himself than to Joohyun. “I have to grow up.”

“Guys, did I hear Chanyeol?” Seulgi exclaims as she returns to the room.

Joonmyun and Joohyun exchange looks of alarm, unsure of how much Seulgi had overheard. But she seems more excited than upset, so probably not much.

“What about him?” Joonmyun asks warily.

“I don’t know if Joohyun mentioned this, but anime club is hosting a date party on Valentine’s Day this Friday!” Seulgi announces excitedly.

“Anime club?”

“Yes! Their parties are so _lit_!”

“If you say so,” Joonmyun chuckles, endeared by her enthusiasm.

“So I was thinking, Joohyun could go with Joonmyun-oppa as a date, and I could go with Chanyeol! It’s perfect!”

“Well, let me see how I’m doing on my advanced spectroscopy midterm before I make any weekend plans.”

“You’ll do fine, you always do! Now, can you give me Chanyeol’s phone number?”

Joonmyun laughs with happy exasperation as he offers her his number before he has to surrender it to her by force. Seulgi is one of the few people Joonmyun can never say no to.

☆      ☆      ☆

The last time Chanyeol visited Joonmyun's apartment was when they hooked up, and when Chanyeol genuinely believed he had a chance with him. He knocks on the door expecting to see Seulgi, but his heart leaps to his throat when Joonmyun answers it instead. He's wearing a pale blue button down with his sleeves rolled up and his hair pushed back. A long shot from formal, but a breathtaking change from the workout clothes Chanyeol usually sees him in at practice.

“Hey,” Chanyeol greets him, feeling nervous for some reason.

“Hey!”

“Joonmyun!” Joohyun exclaims as she emerges from her bedroom wearing a royal blue dress. “I told you I was going to wear blue.”

“So?” Joonmyun shrugs. “We can match.”

“But we're wearing different shades of blue. We'll clash! One of us has to change.”

“Fine,” Joonmyun sighs, dragging his feet back to his own bedroom. 

As soon as his door is shut, another door is flung open. Seulgi bursts out of her bedroom still in pajamas, her hair spilling down her shoulders in loose curls. She’s holding two dresses on different hangers, her eyes wide and frantic.

“Which one do I wear?” she asks, holding up a sleek satin red dress in one hand and a chiffon yellow dress in the other.

“You look great in both of them,” Joohyun says patiently.

Seulgi turns to Chanyeol with pleading eyes and asks, “What do you think?”

“I’ve never seen you in either of them,” Chanyeol says unhelpfully.

Seulgi grabs Chanyeol by the wrist and drags him into her room.

“I’m going to try both of them on, and you’re going to give me your honest opinion,” she tells him.

Chanyeol studies her wall decor as she changes into the first one, a shiny wet-looking crimson dress that fits her like a glove. 

“Well?” Seulgi asks nervously.

“You look amazing,” Chanyeol says with complete honesty. “We could go to the party right now, and you’d be the most gorgeous girl there.”

Seulgi breaks into a relieved smile. “I’m going to try on the other one now, just so you can see it.”

“I like your posters,” Chanyeol comments, looking at the brightly colored posters of female idols Seulgi has plastered all over her walls.

“Thanks! I love girl groups. My newest favorite group debuted almost two years ago, but I don’t have any of their posters yet. I need more posters so I can put more pretty girls on my wall.”

“Why don’t you just print out photos of yourself and put them on your walls?” Chanyeol suggests.

“Stop that,” Seulgi giggles, reaching around her back to zip herself into her other dress. “I can see why Joonmyun likes you so much.”

Chanyeol’s carefree, flirtatious manner changes at the mention of Joonmyun. His eyes are shuttered, and his voice is small when he says, “No. He doesn’t. Joonmyun told me that he can’t return my feelings for him. And honestly I feel so fucking stupid now for thinking that he ever would.”

“What.” Seulgi is frozen in shock, with the zipper only halfway up her back. 

“Nevermind,” Chanyeol mumbles. “The other two are probably waiting for us.”

“Chanyeol, this is important. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in Joonmyun’s head, but it’s obviously hurting you.”

“We can talk about it later. Do you need help with your zipper?”

Seulgi nods gratefully, and Chanyeol slides the zipper up the rest of the way. He steps away and breathes, “You look….wow.”

“Wow?”

This dress is far more innocent than the one before, but Seulgi looks just as breathtaking in the flowy, almost translucent lemon yellow chiffon. It reminds Chanyeol of sunshine and happiness.

“I like this one a lot. It’s so….you,” Chanyeol tells her. “You look like how it feels to be happy.”

“Chanyeol!” Seulgi squeals, crashing into him with a hug. “You are too cute. That decides it then! Let’s go to the party, and you can tell me all about my dumb roommate and what he’s done to hurt you.”

The venue is a short car ride from campus: Joonmyun drives and discusses his research with Joohyun in the front seat, while Seulgi gossips about people in anime club in the back seat with Chanyeol. 

“Since you’re also a freshman, you might know this guy named Sehun,” Seulgi mentions. “He’s a regular. I think he helped to plan our date party.”

“Wait, _Sehun?_ ” Chanyeol asks incredulously. “The freshman Sehun on the lax team?”

“Sehun plays lacrosse!?”

“Are you sure we’re thinking of the same guy?”

“Tall, right? Skinny, resting bitch face, ass that won’t quit…”

“Yeah that’s him!” Chanyeol confirms. “Well, I think. I’ve never paid that much attention to his butt.”

Seulgi shakes her head in disappointment. “That’s a shame. You’ve been missing out. It’s one of the finest I’ve seen.”

“Better than the yoga instructor’s?” Joohyun pitches in from the front of the car.

Seulgi’s face is pained as she considers. “I’ll have to say a no on that one,” she says regretfully. “His is on a different dimension.”

Chanyeol gets a glimpse of Sehun’s ass in the flesh when they arrive at the venue on the third floor of a popular bar. Sehun’s face betrays no sign of recognition when he greets Chanyeol at the door, but Chanyeol sees him with new eyes now that he knows about Sehun’s taste in anime and his shockingly plump posterior. 

When he sees Joonmyun, Sehun’s cool exterior melts instantly and he starts grinning like an excited child. “What are you doing here!” he exclaims, wrapping his arms around his smaller captain.

“I keep asking myself the same question,” Joonmyun laughs, his voice breathy as he’s crushed by the force of Sehun’s hug.

Somehow, Joonmyun continues to surprise Chanyeol every time they’re together. Chanyeol had no idea that Joonmyun’s best friends were girls or that he and Sehun were this close. He’s never seen Sehun this excited to see anyone, either—the stony-faced freshman has always been reserved and a little bit aloof, even around his teammates. But it makes sense that Sehun would love Joonmyun this much. Everyone does. 

Compared to the frat parties Chanyeol has been to, there’s a loss of inhibition at this party that has more to do with the fun, relaxed atmosphere than the consumption of alcohol, although there is plenty of that too. Chanyeol is sorely tempted to join the anime club by the time he’s downed his fourth can of beer while he plays another game of Mario Kart with a bunch of guys he’s just met who feel like they’ve been his lifetime pals.

Meanwhile, Sehun and Joonmyun are matching each other shot for shot at the bar as Seulgi has a serious conversation with Joohyun. She explains to the older girl what Chanyeol had alluded to when he was helping her pick out a dress, but Joohyun doesn’t react how Seulgi had expected.

Not a flicker of shock crosses Joohyun’s face when Seulgi finishes telling her story. Before she has a chance to respond, Seulgi says, “You knew.”

Joohyun nods sadly. “Joonmyun told me as soon as it happened.”

“I’m not even angry at this point that Joonmyun tried to hide this from me, but look at what it’s doing to Chanyeol!” Seulgi bristles. The music is loud enough to mask her indignation. “It’s literally breaking him because he loves Joonmyun so much, and he thinks that Joonmyun hates him. But he can’t stay away from Joonmyun either because he makes him so happy, so Chanyeol just ends up hating himself!”

“It’s a vicious cycle,” Joohyun agrees quietly. “I know.”

“Chanyeol is one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. I have no clue why Joonmyun’s being such a heartless bastard!”

Seulgi is breathing heavily from plunging into such a heated tirade. After waiting for her fiery temper to cool down, Joohyun explains, “Joonmyun loves Chanyeol so much. He’s just afraid of what might happen if he acts on it.” She adds in a small, quiet voice, “Honestly, I can see his reasoning.”

“I don’t get boys,” Seulgi complains. “I can’t deal with this right now. Wanna go dance?”

“I’m gonna stay here, but thanks,” Joohyun politely declines. “Go have fun.”

She watches the floaty skirt of Seulgi’s dress swish around her pretty legs as she weaves through the crowd to look for Chanyeol. When Joohyun turns back to the bar to find Joonmyun, he’s alone.

“Did you hear our conversation?” Joohyun asks tiredly.

Instead of answering her question, Joonmyun asks, “You love Seulgi, don’t you?”

The question takes her by surprise. “Of course I do. We’ve been best friends since her freshman year, and my sophomore year.”

“No, I mean, you’re _in love_ with her, aren’t you? The way that I’m in love with Chanyeol.”

The sudden rush of heat to Joohyun’s cheeks and her inability to form an articulate response is enough of an answer.

“I can’t tell her,” Joohyun finally says. “I can’t ruin our friendship over something like this. I don’t know if she’s ever even thought about whether or not she likes girls. If I tell her, our whole friendship will be different. No matter what happens, it won’t ever be how it was before.”

“It’s really hurting you to keep it a secret, isn’t it? I hope you’re not making a mistake.”

“You’re one to judge,” Joohyun shoots back. They share a bitter laugh.

“I get it,” Joonmyun sighs. “I feel your pain.”

“Thanks.”

Joonmyun finds Joohyun’s hand in the darkness and gives it a gentle squeeze. Sipping at their drinks, they watch the crowd of people on the dance floor. Seulgi is easily recognizable, a bright burst of sunshine among the shifting shadows. Wherever Seulgi is, Chanyeol is found close by. 

Chanyeol is flirtatious with girls without even realizing it. He’s somehow both smooth and clumsy at the same time, and it’s a fatal combination that girls find completely irresistible. It takes one glance at Joonmyun’s clenched fists on his knees for Joohyun to figure out that beneath his placid surface, Joonmyun is seething with jealousy. Most other people would assume that Joonmyun is jealous of the attention that Chanyeol is receiving from girls, but Joohyun knows that it’s because he hates seeing Chanyeol’s hands on other people and their hands on him.

“Seulgi is so angry with you,” Joohyun mentions quietly.

“I know.”

“I don’t think she understands how you’re seeing things.”

“She was one more year left here, but we only have a few months left. Now is the worst time to fall in love, especially with a kid who was in high school this time last year.” Just saying it out loud reminds Joonmyun about how perverse the situation is.

“You should tell her your side of the story sometime. She really likes Chanyeol, and she’s mad at you for what you’ve done to him.”

“I know.”

Chanyeol and Seulgi are dancing together now, and despite their difference in height, their faces are close. Chanyeol leans even farther down, and their faces are closer, too close. And then it’s unmistakable—they’re kissing. Not just a friendly peck: Chanyeol’s hands are in Seulgi’s hair, and Seulgi is cradling Chanyeol’s chin in her hands.

To anyone else it would seem that Joonmyun is being overprotective of Seulgi when he storms over to where they’re intertwined, yanking Chanyeol away from her by the collar of his shirt. Chanyeol’s first instinct is to fight back, but his tensed muscles relax when he sees that it’s Joonmyun. 

“Captain?”

“Those lips belong to me,” Joonmyun growls, sounding more drunk than sober.

“Who’s?”

Joonmyun answers his question by sealing Chanyeol’s lips with a kiss. Chanyeol melts into the bruising kiss, he missed his lips so much. Joonmyun smells like Ivory soap, and his breath is warm and cloying like cinnamon.

“I’m so sorry,” Joonmyun gasps, like he’s only just realized what he’s done. He adds hoarsely, “It doesn’t seem like I can stay away from you.”

“Don’t apologize. You’re not making a mistake.”

“Easy for you to say.”

It seems that under the chaotic lighting and deafening music, Chanyeol and Joonmyun have gone unnoticed. Only Seulgi and Joohyun bear shocked witness to Joonmyun’s actions. Paralyzed by hurt and betrayal, Seulgi stands only a few feet away from where Joonmyun and Chanyeol are kissing like their lives depend on it. Her chest is shuddering when Joohyun reaches her, wrapping her arms around Seulgi’s waist from behind.

“I fucking hate boys,” Seulgi sobs. “And that one most of all.”

“Come on, let’s go,” Joohyun urges gently, taking her by the hand and guiding her to the bathroom. 

She locks the door, shutting out everything going on the other side. Only muted bass thumps seep into the dimly lit bathroom. 

“I’m so sick and tired of feeling used all the time,” Seulgi complains as Joohyun gently dabs at the black eyeliner smudged around Seulgi’s eyes with a tissue. 

“I know. I’m so sorry,” Joohyun whispers. She tosses the crumpled tissue in the wastebasket and reaches for Seulgi’s soft, dainty hands.

“Why can’t I just have one good thing?” Seulgi asks quietly, her eyes downcast. “Just one person who would choose me first.”

“Someone who loves you more than anyone else and sees only you.”

Seulgi swings her gaze up, straight into Joohyun’s eyes. “Yeah. Exactly.”

Joohyun closes her eyes and kisses the other girl on the forehead and then on the cheek. “Seulgi, I’m right here,” she breathes, sliding their fingers together. 

Her lips are close enough for Seulgi to feel Joohyun’s breath against her own lips, the fan of her eyelashes brushing against her cheeks. And then the distance is smaller, before disappearing entirely as Joohyun’s lips are directly on top of Seulgi’s. 

“Was that….was that a kiss?” Seulgi asks, her heart suddenly gulping and constricting.

“Only if you kiss me back.”

Seulgi bites nervously on her bottom lip, and then releases it, leaning in for another taste of Joohyun.

In another bathroom down the hallway, Joonmyun and Chanyeol are having similar ideas. They’ve escaped the noisy throng on the dance floor, moving somewhere more quiet to enjoy each other. Joonmyun is patient at first, building into a kiss with smaller ones at the edges of Chanyeol’s mouth. But then Chanyeol moans impatiently, maneuvering Joonmyun by the hips to slam him into a grimy wall, and Joonmyun sucks Chanyeol’s lower lip in between his teeth.

Chanyeol’s hard already, his erection pressing urgently against Joonmyun’s thigh. Joonmyun begins bucking his hips for friction, but Chanyeol stills him, pushing Joonmyun away by the shoulders.

He unzips Joonmyun’s pants to find the older boy’s hard-on straining against his cotton briefs. Chanyeol pulls Joonmyun’s corduroys down to his ankles, but leaves the briefs on. Kneeling at Joonmyun’s feet, Chanyeol mouths at his clothed erection. His saliva darkens the gray cloth as he tongues the head of Joonmyun’s cock. The point of contact is unsatisfying—not enough pressure—so Joonmyun grabs Chanyeol’s hair urgently to pull him closer.

“You want it that bad, huh?” Chanyeol smirks.

“So much,” Joonmyun gasps, tilting his hips in search of more contact.

“Fine. I won’t make you beg for it,” Chanyeol says despite how much he wants to.

The last barrier between Chanyeol’s lips and Joonmyun’s skin is removed when he slides Joonmyun’s underwear down to his knees. Chanyeol maneuvers Joonmyun’s cock into his mouth, letting his hot breath tease Joonmyun before pressing his tongue into his slit. Chanyeol curls his tongue lazily around the head of Joonmyun’s cock and then slides it in a long, hot lick along his entire length. Despite his promise not to make Joonmyun beg for it, he edges Joonmyun like crazy, bringing him close just to retreat when Joonmyun gets desperate for release.

And then Chanyeol finally satisfies Joonmyun which a few quick, deliberate pumps of his fist. Joonmyun is trembling from the force of his orgasm as he collapses into Chanyeol’s arms. Chanyeol presses his lips against Joonmyun’s neck and feels his pulse jumping under his skin.

“You’re good at this,” Joonmyun mumbles. “Have you had practice?”

“Nope,” Chanyeol says smugly. “I’m just a natural.” 

Joonmyun closes his eyes and laughs loosely. His skin is covered in a thin sheen of sweat that makes his face almost glow under the harsh bathroom lighting. Biting his lower lip, he takes a few deep breaths and threads his fingers through Chanyeol’s hair. When he opens his eyes again, Chanyeol is watching him with a look that penetrates.

“What,” Joonmyun sighs, feeling suddenly exhausted—not loose and relaxed, but just very, very tired. 

“I think we need to talk,” Chanyeol says, and Joonmyun’s heart just sinks a little bit in dread. He should have seen it coming.

“About?”

“I’m just so confused. I still don’t know what we are.”

“What do you want?” Joonmyun asks tiredly.

“I want you. And you seem to want me too, in some kind of way at least....”  
Chanyeol trails off expectantly, waiting for Joonmyun to fill in the silence.

“I do, but I think it’s better if you try to get over your feelings for me,” Joonmyun finally admits, an aching pain rising silently in his throat.

Chanyeol is clearly unsatisfied by his answer. “It’s so unfair for you to tell me to get over you when I still don’t even know how you feel,” he accuses. “Do you even feel anything at all?”

Joonmyun barely manages to choke out the words, “I think we should just try to be friends.”

His fists are clenched so tightly his fingernails bite into his palms, almost drawing blood. 

A low, agitated growl rises in Chanyeol’s throat, and his fist lands against the wall just next to Joonmyun’s head. “You keep saying that you don’t want me, but you sure as hell don’t act like it. If you want me, just tell me. If you love me, just fucking _tell me_.”

“I want you so fucking much,” Joonmyun whispers hoarsely. 

“Then what’s the issue?” Chanyeol asks. His lips are resting tenderly against the shell of Joonmyun’s ear, the hot tickle of his breath making Joonmyun shiver.

“I want you,” Joonmyun says, “but I don’t know if I can love you the way you love me.”

The words feel acidic on his tongue, like his lies are going to eat away at him from the inside.

Chanyeol’s face is unreadable at first, and then he scoffs, “That’s it? You’re a fucking asshole.”

“Yeah,” Joonmyun agrees. “I am.”

“You need to take responsibility for the damage you’ve caused.” The corner of Chanyeol’s mouth is tilted up now, to Joonmyun’s relief.

“Oh yeah? How?”

“Well, you could try to be more honest with people,” Chanyeol suggests brazenly.

“Yeah.”

“Starting with yourself.”

Joonmyun is mute for a few seconds, and then he says in a quiet voice, “Yeah.”

Chanyeol pushes Joonmyun’s hair away from his eyes to kiss his smooth forehead. 

“So now that we’re both perfectly clear,” Chanyeol murmurs, “Why don’t we go back to your apartment?”

“Chanyeol.” Joonmyun squeezes Chanyeol’s wide wrist, stilling his hand. “You deserve someone who won’t leave you after the last three months of this semester are over. And I’m so afraid of how much it’ll hurt to leave. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yeah.” The single word comes out not without effort. Chanyeol’s voice is low and rough when he asks, “What exactly do you want from me then?”

“I….” At the tip of Joonmyun’s tongue are the words I want you, but he forces out a different set of words instead. “I think it’s better if we’re just friends. You’re a great guy, it won’t be hard for you to find someone else instead.” 

“But….I can’t see myself with anyone else other than you.” The troubled expression on Chanyeol’s face almost tears Joonmyun’s heart in two.

“You’ll have to. Chanyeol, please. I don’t want to make you sad anymore. Please find someone else who can make you happy.”

Chanyeol can’t meet Joonmyun’s eyes for an awful moment of silence. “Fine,” Chanyeol agrees grimly at last. “I’ll try.”

Joonmyun pieces together a painful approximation of a smile. “Thanks. I’m here for you if you ever need help. I’m pretty good at getting girls, you know.”

“I’ll agree to this, if you agree to one thing,” Chanyeol adds.

“What?” Joonmyun asks warily.

“Let me sleep with you tonight.”

“Chanyeol….”

“We don’t have to do anything!” Chanyeol pleads. “I just want to remember how it feels to hold you.”

Against his better judgment, Joonmyun finds himself conceding, “Fine. Just this once.”

“Thank you,” Chanyeol whispers, his cheek pressed against Joonmyun’s hair. “I slept so well when I slept with you.”

For some reason, tonight Chanyeol finds it harder than usual to fall asleep. Joonmyun dozes off soundly, his head against Chanyeol’s chest and hand curled against his shoulder. Chanyeol is acutely aware of Joonmyun’s cold feet touching his body and the sound of his breathing. Eventually the sound becomes indistinct and even comforting, like rain.


	4. Chapter 4

☆      ☆      ☆

Every now and then Chanyeol wonders if he had imagined everything that happened between him and Joonmyun. He tries to remember how it felt to wake up with Joonmyun in his arms, that golden feeling, like he was melting into the moment. Joonmyun’s bare chest pressed to his bare skin with an unimaginable warmth, his body soft here, solid muscle there, smooth skin here, coarse bristles there.

It’s been a month since Chanyeol slipped out of Joonmyun’s bed while the older boy slept. He’d faced the cold blustery morning alone and wondered if he was making a mistake as flecks of snow swirled up in the air. 

He’s made more mistakes since then, like getting blackout drunk every time he sees Joonmyun at a party. Luckily for Chanyeol, he has friends who care about him enough to tell him to get his shit together before he ends up on the news. These friends are Baekhyun and Seulgi, who convinces Baekhyun and Chanyeol to join the anime club. Through the anime club, Chanyeol makes new friends and becomes closer to his teammate Sehun, who is for some reason far less reserved at anime club parties than he is at lacrosse parties. 

Eventually Sehun starts bringing along his roommate Jongin to club meetings and parties. Jongin is the other freshman on defense, but Chanyeol rarely encounters him outside of practice. Like Chanyeol, Jongin knows less about anime and more about Nintendo games, but they both enjoy the friendly, comfortable atmosphere of the club.

It’s after a heated Mario Kart match that Jongin and Chanyeol have their first conversation alone about something other than lacrosse. After sneaking out of the basement where their friends are still partying, Chanyeol and Jongin lay sprawled out on the lawn gazing up at the dark sky. He’s had a few drinks, but the cool, crisp air and luminous stars and moon leave Chanyeol feeling strangely clear-headed. 

Jongin is usually a man of few words, so it almost startles Chanyeol when he hears him say, “Can I ask you something?”

For some reason, Chanyeol’s heart leaps to his throat. He turns his head towards Jongin, his profile a shadowy silhouette. “Hmm?” 

“Um.” Jongin rarely initiates conversation, and Chanyeol can tell by the dim moonlight that he’s fighting to keep his courage. He once thought Jongin’s perpetual silence was a cool facade, but he understands now that it’s shyness more than anything else.

“What’s up, dude?” Chanyeol prompts him gently.

“I’m really glad we had a chance to hang out today and these past few weeks.”

“Me too,” Chanyeol agrees, both slightly surprised and amused by Jongin’s confession.

“Sorry, was that cheesy? Fuck, that sounded gay.”

“Yeah, it was kinda cheesy,” Chanyeol agrees. “Careful how you use that word, though. Being gay isn’t a bad thing.”

“Sorry,” Jongin apologizes quickly. “I, um, didn’t mean to offend you or anything. It’s cool if you’re into guys. I won’t judge.”

“No worries, man. I’m not gay. At least I don’t think so. I mean, I haven’t had enough experience with guys to tell if I am or not…. Not that you asked. Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

“Wait, but have you….?” Jongin’s eyes are suddenly on Chanyeol.

“Have I what?”

“Have you ever done stuff with a guy?” Jongin asks quietly, failing to contain his burning curiosity.

“Yeah.”

“How was it? If you don’t mind me asking.” His blush is obscured by the darkness, but not even the dark can hide the stutter in his voice when he asks his question.

“I’m not ashamed to say that it was fucking awesome, man. Kissing a dude felt as good as having sex with a girl for the first time.”

After saying it out loud, Chanyeol realizes just how pivotal of a moment his first kiss with Joonmyun was. Remembering the feeling of Joonmyun’s lips pains Chanyeol in a way he hasn’t felt in a while. It’s been weeks since Chanyeol missed Joonmyun this much.

“Shit,” Jongin says, impressed. “To be honest, I’ve always been a little curious. Sounds like I’ve been missing out.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know what I was missing out on either.”

Jongin stretches out, and his knuckles brush against Chanyeol’s bare shoulder. They stay there for a few moments almost as if the skin contact was accidental, and then his fingers wander along Chanyeol’s arm until their fingertips are touching. Jongin stares up at the sky, but his fingers linger next to Chanyeol’s, like an invitation. Chanyeol slips his fingers through the spaces between Jongin’s, finding the coolness of the other boy’s hand strangely foreign. Jongin’s fingers are longer, slimmer than Joonmyun’s slightly stubby but perpetually warm fingers. It’s not necessarily unpleasant, just not what Chanyeol is used to. 

“Is this….is this okay?” Jongin stammers, adorably flustered.

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“It’s just….strange. To be holding hands with a guy.”

“Good strange or bad strange?”

“Good? I think? I don’t know, it doesn’t actually feel that different from holding hands from a girl.”

“Do you want to try something else then?” Chanyeol asks quietly.

“Like what?”

Chanyeol’s voice drops even lower, to a husky whisper. “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

“I’ve never kissed a guy before,” Jongin says dumbly.

“I know. Can I be your first?”

“S-sure,” Jongin breathes, closing his eyes and letting Chanyeol bridge the distance between their lips.

It's strangely underwhelming, neither especially pleasant or unpleasant. Chanyeol feels none of the surreal effervescence that bubbled up inside of him every time he kissed Joonmyun. 

“Wow,” Jongin whispers. “That felt weird.”

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“I don’t know. Can we try again to make sure?”

This time, Jongin’s tongue slips into Chanyeol’s mouth, curling up against Chanyeol’s teeth. He can taste the sweet, tangy jello shot that Jongin downed earlier that night. Again, kissing Jongin only confirms Chanyeol’s feeling that Joonmyun might be the only guy that he’s interested in making out with. Before meeting Joonmyun, Chanyeol can’t remember ever being interested in any guys in particular, so this is probably a Joonmyun thing more than it’s a gay thing. 

“I can’t believe that just happened,” Jongin laughs croakily, covering his face in embarrassed happiness.

“How do you feel?” Chanyeol inquires.

“Very confused. I really don’t know how I feel about this.”

“Oh? What are you confused about?” Chanyeol silently hopes that Jongin won’t ask for another kiss, because he doesn’t want to lead Jongin on by accident.

“Does this….does this mean that we’re dating?” 

“No,” Chanyeol says firmly. “I’m sorry. I really like you as a friend, but I don’t think it would be fair for either of us.”

“Oh, well that’s a relief,” Jongin says to Chanyeol’s surprise. “Kissing you was nice and all, but I was more curious about what it would be like to kiss a guy, not necessarily you. No offense.”

“None taken. Are you less confused now?”

“Actually, yes. I think.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I hope you don’t take this personally, but I was thinking about someone else when we were kissing,” Jongin admits shyly. 

The frankness of Jongin’s personality always takes Chanyeol by surprise. Even though Jongin is quiet and reserved most of the time, when he does speak up, he never holds back. 

“I won’t,” Chanyeol assures him. “I was thinking of someone else too, to be honest.”

Jongin lifts his head and rolls over onto his elbows to look at Chanyeol with curious eyes. “Really? Who?”

Chanyeol grimaces. The last thing he wants is for word to spread among their lacrosse team that he’s gotten involved with one of his teammates, let alone the captain. “You tell me first,” he insists, nudging Jongin with his elbow.

“Um, this is gonna sound really fucked up, so please don’t tell anyone,” Jongin prefaces sheepishly. “But I might kind of have a thing for one of our teammates.”

“Who?!” Chanyeol demands, sitting up straight.

“Baekhyun,” Jongin confesses. “Is that terrible? Please don’t tell him.”

“No, it’s fine! I almost thought you were gonna say—” Chanyeol stops himself before he lets it slip.

“Say who?” Jongin urges him. “Who were you thinking of?”

“Joonmyun.”

“Wait, like our team captain Joonmyun?”

“What other Joonmyun do you know?”

“Damn,” Jongin laughs, shaking my head. “And I thought my chances were low.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Chanyeol demands.

“What I’m saying is, if my crush on Baekhyun is unlikely to amount to anything, you’re even more doomed than I am.”

“You don’t know shit,” Chanyeol says, half jokingly and half feeling like he has something to prove. “I’ve hooked up with Joonmyun on multiple occasions, just in case you were wondering.”

“I definitely wasn’t wondering,” Jongin says with wide eyes, and Chanyeol realizes that he probably shouldn’t have admitted that out loud. “But holy shit, I thought that Joonmyun was straight?”

“I’m not sure exactly what he is, but as far as I can tell, he’s a sex addict that doesn’t discriminate.”

“Wow. So are you guys together or what?”

With an exhausted groan, Chanyeol rolls over onto his stomach and sighs, “I don’t fucking know.”

“Why, what happened?”

“It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got time,” Jongin says unhesitatingly. 

Chanyeol explains to Jongin everything that happened, leaving out only the most explicit details, while Jongin listens patiently without judgment. Even though recounting everything leaves Chanyeol no less confused, Jongin somehow appears to have made sense of it all.

“I think you need to talk to Joonmyun again,” Jongin tells him.

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“Do you know how he feels about you?”

“Um, not really. Honestly, I don’t think I know anything anymore.”

“Then you should try to get closure just so that you don’t end up wondering about this for too long.”

“Wait, do you think you know how he feels?”

“From what you’ve told me, it’s pretty obvious,” Jongin says cryptically. “But I think you should find out for yourself what’s really going on.”

“But how do I find out? If it was that easy, I would have done it a long time ago.”

“Yeah, Joonmyun’s kind of tricky, but I have an idea.”

After Jongin gives his suggestion, Chanyeol says, “No offense dude, but I would not have expected to hear that kind of advice from you.”

Jongin grins shyly and shrugs. “I’m not as oblivious to stuff as I seem. I like to observe and figure things out about people.”

“Oookay, remind me to never tell you anything personal about myself again.”

“Too late.”

☆      ☆      ☆

It takes some getting used to, for Joonmyun to see Chanyeol making a concerted effort to keep a friendly distance between them. His heart still lurches when he sees Chanyeol’s name light up his phone, only to sink in disappointment when he realizes that it’s only a text to the team group chat. 

Chanyeol has stopped sending him funny photos of dogs throughout the day and periodic messages checking up on Joonmyun, which he didn’t realize he even looked forward to until they stopped coming. The way that Chanyeol looks at Joonmyun is even different, now. His eyes are no longer brimming with sparkling mischief and unspoken words. He looks at Joonmyun the same way he looks at all of his friends and teammates now. 

For once, Chanyeol is finally following Joonmyun’s advice to forget about everything that happened between them. Joonmyun yearns for a second chance under better circumstances as much as he wishes that he just could forget about their memories with each other. Once he does start to forget, Joonmyun thinks that it’ll be the saddest, most pleasant thing that could happen.

“Hey.”

Chanyeol taps Joonmyun on the shoulder as he’s squirting a stream of water into his open mouth during a water break. Joonmyun flinches, startled. Chanyeol’s eyes widen when Joonmyun coughs, choking on his mouthful of water.

“Dude, I’m so sorry,” Chanyeol begins to apologize. He reaches out automatically for the captain, but he stops himself, letting his hands hover uncertainly by Joonmyun’s shoulders.

“It’s okay,” Joonmyun wheezes, wiping a trickle of water dribbling from the corner of his mouth. He scowls a little in displeasure. The first time they’ve spoken in weeks, and Joonmyun manages to embarrass himself already. Smooth. Brilliant. “What’s up, Chanyeol?”

“Hey, I was just wondering, after practice tomorrow….”

“Yeah?” Joonmyun’s pulse picks up in pace, his chest expanding in hope. It’s also been awhile since they’ve practiced extra goalie drills together. Nobody else has been willing to stay after practice with Joonmyun. Chanyeol was the only one who could ever match Joonmyun’s energy and determination.

“I’ve got….a _thing_ I need to leave practice a little bit early for,” Chanyeol says rather sheepishly, with tell-tale evasiveness. 

“Have you notified the coach?”

“Well, I was hoping you could mention it to him for me.”

“Oh.” A thing, as in an unexcused absence that Chanyeol wants Joonmyun to cover him for. Joonmyun tries not to let his imagination run wild, but the worst case scenario flares up in his mind anyways. “Yeah, sure.”

“Thanks,” Chanyeol says, his eyes lighting up. “You're the best, captain.”

“Anytime.” Joonmyun waves his hand dismissively, turning away from him so Chanyeol doesn't see his disappointment. 

When he sees out of the corner of his eye Chanyeol receiving a hearty high-five from Jongin, Joonmyun suddenly recognizes the acrid taste seeping into his mouth. It's the familiar keenness of jealousy, edging in uninvited. Joonmyun tries to quash the feeling. He doesn't deserve to know what's going on in Chanyeol's life anymore, not after how much he has tried to push him away.

☆      ☆      ☆

Few people know about the extra work Joonmyun has been picking up in the evenings and on weekends instead of partying. He’s had more wild nights over the past four years than he can or cares to remember. The pressure to succeed in his work and career will be immense after he graduates, so Joonmyun figures he might as well start adopting that more serious attitude now. Like warming up before the real event.

It’s only a sales clerk gig at a drugstore on the outskirts of town, but just finding any kind of job with only a few summers as a busboy under his belt was difficult enough as it is. He tries clocking into his evening shift and immediately realizes that he’s made a mistake. With only half an hour between the end of lacrosse practice and the beginning of his shift, Joonmyun just barely made it on time after a hasty shower and commute via unreliable public transit. He’s forgotten his name badge somewhere in the rush. 

Joonmyun takes a deep, calming breath to quell the hot spike of annoyance in his chest and punches in his employee ID manually instead. It works, no harm done, and Joonmyun manages to forgive himself for his carelessness.

The shift is tolerable, busy enough to keep his mind from wandering. But after the initial evening rush, the stream of traffic quiets down and leaves Joonmyun with little to do besides leaning against the counter and staring out the window. As the days stretch longer, the sunlight endures for a few more precious hours before the sky fades to black. Right now there’s still just enough light to see what’s going on outside the smudged glass windows of the store, but the evening is tinted an inky blue as the sun recedes from the sky. 

A cheery door chime alerts Joonmyun that another customer has entered the store. He lets his bored gaze sweep carelessly over to the entrance, where he finds a tall, broad-shouldered figure glancing uncertainly between aisles. Piece by piece, Joonmyun recognizes pointed ears fanning out from the sides of his head and the graceful twin arcs of his bow legs.

It’s the first time Joonmyun has seen Chanyeol dressed up since the Valentine’s Day formal all those weeks ago. Joonmyun had forgotten how stunning Chanyeol looks in a sharp, pressed button-down tucked into slim dark dress pants. But dread clutches at his stomach when he realizes why Chanyeol is dressed to impress and why he had to leave practice early without a legitimate excuse. Chanyeol ducks into the aisle Joonmyun has memorized as being “personal hygiene”, and again Joonmyun tries to swallow his irrational, possessive thoughts as they rise to the surface to feed on his uncertainty and regret.

Joonmyun tries to look both surprised and happy to see Chanyeol when he finally strays back to the cash register, a thin rectangular box in one hand and a smaller box in his other. 

“Hey captain!” Chanyeol greets him cheerfully. He definitely looks happy to see Joonmyun, but he strangely doesn’t look surprised.

“Hey Chanyeol. Did you find everything okay?” he asks in his friendly, but guarded customer service voice.

“I sure did.” Chanyeol lets his items clatter onto the counter.

Joonmyun takes the long, rectangular box and scans it. He isn’t supposed to make comments about customers’ purchases, but since it’s Chanyeol, he jokes, “Are these chocolates part of the coach’s approved diet plan?”

“They’re not for me,” Chanyeol admits, a little embarrassed. “I’m not a fan of dark chocolate.”

“Neither am I,” Joonmyun agrees. “Actually, I only know one dude who is.” 

They’re both thinking of their teammate Jongin, who has a notoriously weird love of dark chocolate. His best friend Sehun would always pick on him for snacking on dark chocolate covered almonds and pretzels during practice, which Jongin would defend by contesting that dark chocolate is healthier than normal chocolate. Chocolate is still chocolate, Sehun would argue back even though it doesn’t matter much because Jongin is still in better shape than most people could hope to be.

Joonmyun reaches for the next item, a box of condoms. A perfectly normal purchase for a college kid, Joonmyun reminds himself, but he’s still fighting to keep a poker face. Chanyeol’s phone buzzes, and he quickly swipes his thumb across the screen to receive the call before Joonmyun has the chance to snatch a glance at the caller ID.

“Hello?” Chanyeol answers. 

Even from the other side of the cash register, Joonmyun can hear the low voice from the other end of the call. He can’t make out what the voice is saying, but it is unmistakably male.

“Shit,” Chanyeol says, his eyes widening. “I completely forgot about lube. I’m not used to this, sorry. What kind should I get? Well, what do you like? I just want to get you something that you’ll like.”

Joonmyun’s white-knuckled fists clench the hem of his shirt, crumpling the fabric as the dots connect. He forces himself to wrench his gaze from Chanyeol to hide his disappointment, hoping that Chanyeol can’t tell the way his heart sank straight to the ground.  
“See you soon,” Chanyeol murmurs as he ends his call. Slipping his phone back into his pocket, Chanyeol turns back to Joonmyun and says, “Sorry about that. Would you mind holding my stuff here for two seconds while I grab something?”

“No worries, take your time.” Joonmyun keeps his voice remote, hoping to sound careless.

Chanyeol grins gratefully and then jogs back towards the aisles. He returns moments later with a plain bottle of clear gelatinous liquid in one hand and a sleek, metallic looking box in the other hand. 

“Hey captain, weird question, but which one of these would you recommend?”

“The generic is just as good as the name brand kind, which just has fancier packaging,” Joonmyun informs him impassively. “But it’s up to you.”

Chanyeol frowns as he continues to deliberate with seemingly no sense of shame. “I’ll just go put this other one back then,” he finally decides, placing the generic on the counter next to his other purchases.

“I got it,” Joonmyun says, offering his hand. “I’ll put it away later to save you time.”

“Thanks!”

Joonmyun finishes bagging the items while Chanyeol fumbles with a handful of coins and weathered bills. 

“Oh perfect, we love exact change here,” Joonmyun comments as he thumbs through the cash Chanyeol hands him.

Chanyeol lingers at the cash register hesitantly for a few minutes even after everything is done. Joonmyun watches him expectantly, waiting for him to leave.

“Was there something else you forgot?” Joonmyun asks boredly.

“Umm, captain?” Chanyeol’s easy confidence wavers a little, like he’s less certain of himself now.

“Yes, Chanyeol?”

“I know you’re probably busy with figuring out your plans after graduation and stuff, but if you have free time this weekend, would you wanna maybe hang out?”

The offer takes Joonmyun by surprise, but what surprises him more is how readily he accepts it. “Sure, Chanyeol. I’m working a double shift until eight in the evening tomorrow, but we could grab a late dinner if you want.”

“Yeah! I’d be so down. I’ll come here to meet you.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to waste your time on a trip out here. It’s pretty far from campus.”

Chanyeol’s broad grin doesn’t shrink an inch. “I wouldn’t mind, captain. More time for us to spend together. I miss you.”

Just like that, sadness sneaks up on Joonmyun. He never realized how much it hurt to fade out of Chanyeol’s life until he hears the words _I miss you._

“Sorry,” Joonmyun says tersely, though he wishes Chanyeol could stay here with him longer. “We’ve got a lot to catch up on, I think.”

“Definitely,” Chanyeol agrees. “I’ll see you around, captain.” 

Joonmyun is left alone with only his thoughts for company. He turns Chanyeol’s words over and over in his mind, feeling dizzy from trying to decipher what they could mean. He can only guess at how Chanyeol and Jongin came to be, if that really was what Joonmyun had just borne witness to. 

On one hand, this is what Joonmyun had encouraged Chanyeol to do, to find someone else to keep him company and to make him happy in Joonmyun’s absence. It was for his own peace of mind, really, urging Chanyeol to move on from him. On the other hand, Joonmyun feels nothing close to satisfaction now that he’s been presented with tangible evidence that Chanyeol really has moved on. He only feels an empty sort of ache in his stomach, like hunger or regret. 

The shift drags on for what feels like so much more than a couple of hours. Joonmyun completes his tasks mindlessly, restless to return to his apartment. He wants to tell Joohyun and Seulgi about everything so they can help him dissect everything that’s going on, the way that they always do when Joonmyun is confused.

When Joonmyun returns to his apartment that night, he finds an unexpected guest lounging on the dilapidated sofa where Joonmyun usually collapses after a tiring shift. 

“What’s up,” Sehun greets Joonmyun nonchalantly. 

“Hey, Sehun,” Joonmyun answers him, confused by his presence. Sehun has never visited the apartment without an invitation from Joonmyun. “What's up?”

“My fuckface roommate Jongin kicked me out of our room,” Sehun explains. 

“Is he sexiling you?” Joonmyun asks incredulously. 

Sehun just shrugs. “Wouldn't be the first time it's happened. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome everywhere else, so I came here. Your roommates let me in. Hope you don't mind me crashing here for tonight.”

“By all means. But, um, do you know who Chanyeol is with?”

“You mean Jongin?”

“Yeah! Sorry, I don't know why I said Chanyeol by accident.” Heat crawls up Joonmyun’s neck, and he hopes that Sehun will overlook his Freudian slip. 

“Beats me. He just texted me to stay away from our room, no idea what's going on in there. That shithead’s business is none of my concern.”

“Hey, is everything alright with you and Jongin? You seem pretty….vehement.”

It's rare for Sehun to speak so strongly about anything, especially his roommate who he is usually inseparable from. 

“It's fine,” Sehun grumbles. “He's just a dick.”

“Sehun,” Joonmyun prods gently, settling onto a sofa cushion next to Sehun. “Obviously it's bothering you. As your captain and your _friend_ I want you to know that I'm here for you.”

Sehun casts a sullen eye to Joonmyun, who is watching him in turn with utmost sincerity in his expression. 

“Alright,” Sehun sighs. “So what happened was, Baekhyun kissed me at a party once—”

Joonmyun startles, but Sehun continues without taking any notice.

“—and _maybe_ I have a tiny crush on him but it's not that I like him or anything, I just think he's hot, but like who doesn't.”

“Okay….”

“Anyways, now Jongin won't stop asking me what kissing Baekhyun was like and if I'd do it again and if I think that Baekhyun would do it again. And I'd ask him if he's into dudes, but he'd just say that he's intrigued by Baekhyun.”

“So do you think that he's attracted to Baekhyun?”

“Yeah,” Sehun admits bitterly. “He just doesn't want to admit to it since it's so fucked up.”

“It's not wrong or immoral, if that's what you're saying,” Joonmyun tells him. “But does it bother you?”

A noncommittal shrug from Sehun. 

“Does it bother you,” Joonmyun tries again, “because you're attracted to Baekhyun too?”

“This is so fucked up,” Sehun groans, grinding the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

“It's fine. You're fine,” Joonmyun reassures him. “It's okay to have feelings for whoever you want. But if there's anything we need to fix, it's any bad blood between you and your roommate. I don't want anyone to end up hurt in all of this. It's kind of a sensitive situation, as you can imagine.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. So have you tried telling Jongin that you’re not comfortable with the kinds of questions he’s been asking you about Baekhyun?”

“I mean, I’ve gone up to him and said stuff like—dude, are you bi or gay or what?”

“And what did he say?”

“He said he didn’t know. And maybe he’d like to experiment or something.”

The air rushes out of Joonmyun’s body at the word _experiment_. It was simple, childish jealousy that had pricked at his nerves before, but the knowledge that Chanyeol might just be an experiment to Jongin is an even sharper provocation. Joonmyun can’t stand the thought of someone like Chanyeol, who is so quick to fall in love, becoming a victim of someone else’s curiosity. 

“You know what, I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow,” Joonmyun decides.

“Who, Jongin?”

“No, Chanyeol.”

“What the hell does Chanyeol have to do with any of this?” Sehun asks quizzically.

“Don’t worry about it. Wanna watch a movie?”

“Only if it’s Star Wars.”

“What other option could we possibly have?” Joonmyun grins.

As the distinctive melody of the opening theme blasts from the television set, Seulgi and Joohyun emerge from their bedrooms to join Joonmyun and Sehun in the cozy living room. The two girls had been on their way to a party, but they decide to stay instead to spend time with Joonmyun and Sehun.

“Are you sure?” Joonmyun asks. “If you had plans, I don’t want to get in the way of them.”

“I’ll have plenty more nights to party,” Seulgi says, “but only a few more precious nights to hang out with Joonmyun-oppa.”

She hugs her arms around Joonmyun’s waist and kisses him noisily on the cheek. Joohyun smiles fondly and reaches across Seulgi’s lap to ruffle Joonmyun’s hair.

☆      ☆      ☆

After a night that passes too quickly, Joonmyun groggily hits snooze on his alarm for the third time. The only thing that gets him out of bed is the threat of being late for the first bus of the morning and having to wait half an hour for the next one.

Travel mug warm between his palms, Joonmyun waits under overhanging awning of a boutique near the bus stop, the narrow protection keeping him dry from the misty early morning rain. The sky is a soothing gray, and in the empty streets Joonmyun finds a calming solitude.

He shuffles onto the bus when it arrives. There are only a handful of riders, silent with drawn faces. Nobody makes conversation. Joonmyun likes it when it’s quiet like this. He stares out the window to watch familiar shops and street corners pass by. 

The drugstore staff is in such a perpetual flux that Joonmyun has hardly had the opportunity to build real friendships with the people who work here. The only coworker he chats with regularly is the assistant manager, a grad student named Luhan.

“Thank god you’re here,” Luhan says as soon as Joonmyun steps into the manager’s office to clock in. 

“Good morning, Luhan.”

“Morning, kiddo. Hey, remember the new shipment of shampoo and conditioner we got yesterday?”

“Yeah?”

“All new arrivals are going on a special sale today, so we’ll have to affix new labels.”

“But I just stickered them all yesterday,” Joonmyun whines. 

Luhan has acted as a somewhat dysfunctional older brother figure to Joonmyun over the past semester, bestowing upon him gratuitous pearls of wisdom and covering for him when lacrosse practices run late. Joonmyun normally behaves with aloof professionalism when he’s at work or anywhere else really, but there are certain individuals that he lets his guard down when he’s around. Luhan is one of those people.

“I know, I know. Their decision, not mine,” Luhan reminds him. “But traffic should be slow this morning. Let’s get this out of the way first, ease into the rest of the day. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

“I’m so tired.”

“You got here five minutes ago. How about this—work quickly and finish all your tasks, and when I take fifteen I’ll grab us both some lattes from across the street.”

Joonmyun perks up at the mention of coffee. “You’re the best, Luhan.”

“You’re so cute, kid. Now hurry up and get it done.”

“Alright, alright.”

When Joonmyun is halfway out the door, Luhan calls out after him, “By the way, Joonmyun. Do you have game this weekend?”

“Yeah, last home game of the season’s tomorrow at noon. You coming?”

“I wouldn’t miss my last chance to watch you in action even if my thesis depended on it.”

“Thanks,” Joonmyun says dryly. “How’s your thesis coming along?”

“It’s coming,” Luhan replies. He takes a deep breath, and Joonmyun braces himself for Luhan’s daily existential crisis. “More or less. God, five years since I declared my undergrad major and I’m still wondering why I’ve devoted my life to fucking _sociology_ of all things. I didn’t even know what sociology was when I started college.”

“Because you’re passionate about it and you find the field rewarding and intellectually stimulating?” 

“True that. You’re so wise, Joonmyun.”

“But no less lost,” Joonmyun mumbles under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. I’ll be out on the floor.”

His morning is filled with mindless busy work, punctuated by lethargic customers filing in and out like clockwork. When Luhan leaves for his break, Joonmyun sits on the counter behind the cash register, waiting for him to return. His mind wanders, thinking ahead to what he might say to Chanyeol tonight when they meet up for dinner.

The thing about being with Chanyeol is, Joonmyun never has to cast around in his mind for something to say when they’re together. Chanyeol always has something interesting or witty to say, and he always reacts when Joonmyun puts his own thoughts forth. It’s a luxury, the way they shift so easily from one topic to the next. He and Chanyeol could even sit in silence and still have a meaningful conversation. Joonmyun decides to let things happen spontaneously rather than trying to direct the flow of conversation ahead of time.

His thoughts drift dangerously to memories of Chanyeol. Of his stupid jokes, the way he’s so full of love and happiness. And then with painful vividness, Joonmyun remembers pretending to sleep while Chanyeol gathered his belongings scattered across the bedroom floor. He had watched Chanyeol through the fringes of his eyelashes, trying to hold onto the feeling of waking up next to him for as long as he could.

The door chime tinkles, and Luhan returns with a simple, “Yo.”

He carries two identical lattes over to the cash register, handing one to Joonmyun. Luhan always claims that he and Joonmyun get along well because they have the same taste in espresso drinks, as they couldn’t be any more different in almost everything else.

“Thanks, Luhan,” Joonmyun says, gratefully accepting the paper cup. He takes off the lid and closes his eyes, letting the fragrant steam waft onto his skin before he takes a sip.

The rest of the afternoon passes by uneventfully. Near the end of his shift, Joonmyun hazards a peek at his phone and finds a text from Chanyeol at the top of his screen.

_We still on for tonight?_

Joonmyun types back a simple _yes_ , and immediately a bubble with bouncing ellipses pops up at the corner of his screen.

_Great! See you soon_

Great, Joonmyun thinks, stowing away his phone in his back pocket before a customer approaches the cash register.

Half an hour before Joonmyun’s shift is supposed to end, Chanyeol shows up at the store unannounced. Joonmyun’s in the middle of a lively conversation with Luhan, but he stops mid-sentence when he spots Chanyeol over Luhan’s shoulder.

“You okay?” Luhan asks, before turning around to follow Joonmyun’s line of vision.

“Hey,” Chanyeol greets Joonmyun, sounding uncharacteristically shy. 

“Hey,” Joonmyun responds.

Chanyeol holds up a paper coffee cup in one hand. “I brought you something,” he explains. “Vanilla latte with skim soy milk?”

“Oh,” Joonmyun says, surprised. “I actually had my daily self-pity latte today.”

“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, lowering the paper cup awkwardly. “I didn’t think to ask before getting it for you.”

“It’s fine!” Joonmyun says quickly, reaching out for the latte. “I’ll never say no to coffee. I really appreciate the thought. Thanks.”

“So do you guys know each other?” Luhan asks, glancing between them both.

Chanyeol watches Joonmyun, waiting for him to respond. 

“No, not really,” Joonmyun says, sharing a knowing grin with Chanyeol.

“Teammates,” Chanyeol explains, pointing at Joonmyun and then to himself.

Luhan’s eyes light up. “Are you also a goalie?”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol answers.

“Joonmyun’s told me about you, I think.”

“He has?” Chanyeol looks at Joonmyun with an arched eyebrow.

“Hey Chanyeol, meet Luhan, he’s an assistant manager here and he’s also a grad student at our school and I’ve told him all about our entire team and also didn’t I tell you my shift doesn’t end for another half hour?” Joonmyun says in a breathless rush to divert Chanyeol’s attention.

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind manning the store by myself for the rest of the shift,” Luhan says, glancing at his watch. “You’ve got a big day tomorrow, I’m sure you’d like some extra time to…. _rest_.”

He winks at Joonmyun, who isn’t sure if he loves or hates Luhan at this point.

“Dude, your manager is so chill!” Chanyeol exclaims excitedly, to Luhan’s delight.

“Assistant manager,” Joonmyun corrects.

“Have fun, Joonmyun, but not too much fun,” Luhan calls after him. “Can’t wait to see you get the W tomorrow!”

☆      ☆      ☆

They exchange few words on the bus ride back to campus. It’s much more crowded than earlier in the day, too noisy to carry on a full conversation. Chanyeol looks out the window, absentmindedly drumming a beat on his lap with his palms. Meanwhile, Joonmyun watches Chanyeol’s profile under the soft, surreal glow of public bus lighting, barely able to contain the thrumming urge to kiss him.

Chanyeol turns to look at him, and he catches a fleeting glimpse of the awe and longing in the older boy’s eyes just before Joonmyun reconfigures his expression into a poker face. The soft curve of Chanyeol’s lips stretch upwards, and something tugs at Joonmyun, just beneath his skin.

“So, you’ve told Luhan about me too?” are the first words out of Chanyeol’s mouth when they’re finally in the quiet solitude of Joonmyun’s apartment. His voice is low—a thrilling, irresistible murmur.

“What do you want for dinner?” Joonmyun asks, pretending that he didn’t hear. “Chicken or pizza? I’ll order delivery, my treat.”

“Garlic chicken,” Chanyeol requests immediately, accustomed to his older friends buying him food. “Not too spicy.”

While Joonmyun makes a phone call to his favorite chicken place, Chanyeol sneaks up behind him to rest his chin on Joonmyun’s shoulder. Joonmyun twitches in surprise, but his voice remains otherwise steady and calm as he places his order.

“45 minutes? Perfect, thank you so much,” Joonmyun says before ending the call. Without turning his head, he tells Chanyeol, “It’ll be a bit before the food comes, sorry. If you’re hungry, we’ve got leftovers in the fridge. Seulgi and Joohyun are out tonight, so you’re free to get rid of them before they go bad.”

“I’ll save my stomach,” Chanyeol says quietly. He’s hugging Joonmyun from behind, standing in such close proximity that Joonmyun can feel sound vibrations rumbling in Chanyeol’s chest as he hums a silly, lovesick melody from a vapid pop tune.

Joonmyun quickly extricates himself, stepping away from Chanyeol’s reach. He sits down on the sofa and turns on the television, where a rerun of a lacrosse game is playing on ESPN 3. Chanyeol gently lifts the remote control from Joonmyun’s fingers and mutes the television.

“I feel like we’ve got some catching up to do, mind if we just chat a bit?” Chanyeol asks.

“Sure. What would you like to talk about?”

“You see, I was also hoping to ask you for some advice.”

“Of course.”

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. “So there’s this person that I like, but they’ve kind of been giving me mixed signals lately. Still, I have strong reasons to believe that they feel the same about me, and I don’t think I could forgive myself if I just gave up so easily. What do you think?”

Something snaps in Joonmyun’s chest, and he gapes at Chanyeol, wanting to smile and to show excitement for him, but unable to. All his worst premonitions about Chanyeol and Jongin were true. He takes the remote control from Chanyeol’s hand and turns the television off. The soundless screen zaps to black, and Joonmyun quickly hides his shocked and hurt expression by looking down at his lap, where his hands are folded. They’re shaking a little, the only betrayal of what is going on in his mind. He hopes that Chanyeol will overlook it, but he doesn’t.

“Hey, are you okay?” Chanyeol asks gently. 

He reaches out for Joonmyun, his fingertips grazing hesitantly down his forearm to his wrist, where he feels Joonmyun’s pulse beating beneath his skin like he’s been running hard. Goosebumps rise involuntarily to the surface of Joonmyun’s skin in response to Chanyeol’s touch.

“I think,” Joonmyun says slowly, his throat thick with the beginning of tears. “If you have a crush on someone, you might as well just go for it, because you’ve really got nothing to lose, and chances are the other person is just as scared to make the first move as you are.”

It’s the kind of advice that Joonmyun would never be brave enough to follow. He’s so terrified of making mistakes that he always quits as soon as the fear sinks in, like tearing ruined sheets out of a notebook to maintain its pristine perfection until the threadbare binding can barely keep its pages together.

Chanyeol’s eyes widen in surprise. It wasn’t exactly what he had expected to hear from him. Before he has a chance to respond, Joonmyun continues by rambling on and on about how Chanyeol is so handsome and so funny that anyone could fall in love with him. 

Joonmyun’s voice is hushed and his face is hot despite the mildness of his tone as he says, “You should really just….confess….before it’s too late, and you don’t have any r-regrets….”

And then Joonmyun’s voice just breaks when he remembers with renewed pain how much he regrets not telling Chanyeol earlier exactly how he feels about him. Now it’s too late, and there’s no way Joonmyun is going to get in the way of Chanyeol’s shot at happiness with someone else, especially if Chanyeol and Jongin really are in love with each other.

“Oh god,” Chanyeol says, shocked by the sudden trickle of tears down Joonmyun’s cheeks. “Are you okay? Why are you crying?”

“Because I’m so happy for you.”

“Bullshit, I’ve seen you happy cry, and you’re definitely not happy crying right now.”

Joonmyun just huffs a laugh and tries to turn away to hide his face again, but Chanyeol grabs his chin to cradle his cheeks in his hands. As Chanyeol’s face draws closer and closer, Joonmyun tries to lean away, but there’s nowhere to go with his back pressed flat against his sofa cushion.

“What are you doing, Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks in a raspy voice.

Chanyeol whispers roughly, “Making sure I don’t have any regrets.” And then he closes his eyes and kisses Joonmyun, tasting the salt on his lips.

When he pulls away, Joonmyun is just watching him with a fragile look in his eyes as he clutches Chanyeol’s wrists with his small, nervous fists. Chanyeol’s stomach sinks with dread— _maybe he made the wrong move after all_ —but then Joonmyun squeezes his eyes shut before kissing Chanyeol again. Sadness still pangs at Joonmyun, but the momentary euphoria of kissing Chanyeol melts away some of the bittersweet feeling of how temporary this all is.

“So, um, who’s this person you were telling me about that you like so much?” Joonmyun asks quietly, coming back down to reality.

“Who else could I have been talking about?” Chanyeol says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m so in love with you.”

Even now, Joonmyun still refuses to believe that this kind of happiness is possible for someone like him. “No, you only think you do. You don’t know what love is.”

“Let’s not argue about this again. Maybe I don’t know exactly what this feeling is, but I know that there’s nowhere I’d rather be than in your arms.”

“Oh, be quiet,” Joonmyun says, but he’s flushing with embarrassed happiness. 

“Look at me. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Do you have any idea how much of a miracle you are?”

“Did you read that somewhere?” Joonmyun mutters.

“Who cares,” Chanyeol says before kissing Joonmyun again. Grinning against Joonmyun’s lips, he murmurs, “I can taste the coffee on your lips.”

“Get used to it.”

A few moments later, Joonmyun pulls away from another kiss to clutch his chest. “My heart is racing,” he observes. “I’ve had way too much caffeine today.”

“It’s not the caffeine, it’s me. I’m making your heart race.”

Thankfully, Joonmyun is saved from more of Chanyeol’s painful comments when his phone starts buzzing. “Food’s here!” he announces cheerfully. 

Their night alone in the apartment together promptly becomes an exercise in self-control. Lazy kisses turn into Chanyeol sucking Joonmyun’s upper lip between his teeth because he likes how it looks swollen and puffy. He nibbles on Joonmyun’s lips almost to the point of pain while slipping his hand up his shirt with the lightest caress, the dual sensations almost too much for Joonmyun to handle. 

Chanyeol thumbs Joonmyun’s nipples to hardness, eliciting from Joonmyun a low, hardly articulate sound that comes out in a hot breath of vehement desire. 

“Fuck,” Chanyeol groans. “You’re so fucking hot.”

Pulling away slightly to admire the work he’s made of Joonmyun, Chanyeol quickly realizes that hot isn’t even the right word for it. Joonmyun is indescribably beautiful with his wet eyelashes and slick red lips.

“God I want you so badly,” Joonmyun says in a soft, hushed and pleading tone.

“We have a big day tomorrow. Well, you do at least. You’ve gotta be at the top of your game mentally and physically,” Chanyeol reminds him. It’s strange, having to be the responsible one, but Joonmyun is driven so crazy with desire that he has no choice.

“Please,” Joonmyun begs, pressing their bodies closer so that Chanyeol can feel the jut of his erection pressing into his thigh. “Fuck I’m so hard it hurts.”

The last of Chanyeol’s willpower snaps, and he pulls Joonmyun into his lap to relieve his suffering by curling his fingers tightly around his cock. Chanyeol pumps his fist efficiently as Joonmyun clings onto his shoulders, bucking his hips for more friction. He releases his pent-up tension with a stifled hoarse cry, burying his face into the crook of Chanyeol’s neck. Eventually his erratic breathing calms down until it’s hushed and steady like the sound of the ocean.

At first, it’s difficult for Chanyeol to fall asleep with the excitement of having Joonmyun in his arms again and with the renewed shock of Joonmyun pressing his perpetually cold feet against his calves. But eventually Chanyeol’s mind and body relaxes into the euphoric bliss of cuddling with Joonmyun, and he sleeps better than he’s slept in weeks.


End file.
